De Verdad

Have I become a lover of grey days??

The sun is taking a break today, though this afternoon is brighter than the morning was.
I am loving it, actually. Don't get me wrong- the CA sunshine was delicious to return to! I could feel my skin and body literally soaking it in, absorbing the warmth and energy.

But today has been nice. I am much more inspired to stay in and get organized and focus.
There is so much to do!

Sending all my Friends and Family out there some CA Love~

Oh Dear.

This is hilarious.

Sent to me by a friend, with whom I have discussed recently the all-addictive powers of Facebook. (I'm currently taking a little "break.")

Anyway, hope ya'll enjoy. :)

YES.

Today

I am glowing.
simmering
ready to spill over
spill out
on the Road once more
excitement rises in me
like a wave
momentum carries me
highway for companion
rolling and curving
bearing my weight
Weightless
and bright
Levity greets me with a slow smile,
'Where have you been so long, Dear One?'
funny to have found
so much Light
in a place
with so very little
sun.



:) Love-

And My New Theme Song?

Cat Stevens


Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
'Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
you see its easy
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
'Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are
And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
'Cause there's a million things to do
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
you see its easy
You only need to know

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Ripples.

"I listen to the Wind

to the Wind of my Soul
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows

I listen to my words but
they fall far below
I let my music take me where
my Heart wants to go"

Happy Birthday Dolores!

Dolores Huerta is one of the founders (along with Cesar Chavez) of the United Farm Workers, and she has fought for most of her life for La Causa.  She is an incredible human being, dedicated and devoted to her people and the rights of all people to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality.  

In the words of my dear Chavela Vargas, she is "muy mujer."

In her own words, 

"Giving kids clothes and food is one thing but it's much more important to teach them that other people besides themselves are important, and that the best thing they can do with their lives is to use them in the service of other people."

"Every moment is an organizing opportunity, every person a potential activist, every minute a chance to change the world."

Feliz cumpleanos, Dolores!  Gracias por todo lo que ha hecho.  

Si, se puede!

Creation's Fire

is burning brightly
tonight
as I warm myself by the flames
and gently stoke the pyre

the smoke unfurls
it's dancing curves
the wood hisses
and cracks and burns

I Am the Kindling
I Am the Pyre
I Am the Smoke
I Am the Tender
I Am the Fire.

Dream Journal.

I had a dream last night about Whales.

I was in the Ocean and a mother whale and her calf approached me and swam with me. Once I got to shore, the calf came out of the water and turned into a young man. I fell in love with him, his dark eyes as deep as the sea. We returned to where his mother was swimming just offshore and she sang out for us to follow her. I remember walking back into the Ocean, knee-deep, understanding that they wanted me to return with them to their world, and that I might not ever come back to the shore, to the land, to life as I had known it. The mother wanted to initiate me into something, the ways of Whales perhaps, or the Sea. I did not understand how this was possible, but I trusted her completely. And I loved her son.
I slipped my body into the water and started to swim.


Upon waking, I looked up pictures of whales (thank you, Google Image). The whales in my dream were Grey Whales. Upon further research I discovered that they migrate between Alaska and Baja. Much of the territory I have traveled in the last few years, and where I am currently traveling now. I read that in late-March/early-April some of the migrating Greys have been known to enter the Puget Sound.

I looked up more about the Whale, and what it symbolizes, I found this-

"Inspiration, manifestation, creation, resurrection, inner awakening."

"The whale's gifts include - record keeper for all eternity, power of song, all knowledge associated with voice, all aspects of the sea, beauty of movement, psychic and telepathic abilities, wisdom, provider, inner depth.
Using the rhythm and patterns of sound, the whale teaches us to hear our inner voices, to be in touch with our personal truths, thus knowing wisdom and feeling the heartbeat of the universe.
You will be shown how to go deep within yourself to stir your inner creativity and imagination. You will also be taught not to become too lost in your imagination but to live in the ‘real world’ - every day waking reality.
The whale does not teach creativity for the sake of creativity. A deep, creative inspiration is awakened, but you must add your own color and light to your outer life to make it glorious. The whales sound teaches us how to create with song."

"Whale reintroduces us to our creative and intuitive energies to show us a talent we've forgotten about or haven't been aware existed. People with this totem are able to understand the ancient language of "energy vibrations," and are able to distinguish where others are truly coming from. Whale asks us to recall our past and listen to its stories so we can creatively heal old wounds."

"The whale always guides the way to discovering the meaning of your own life."


Interesting, and very beautiful.
Love-

Sunny Spring Afternoon in Seattle.

After so many stormy days,
I am writing love sonnets to the Sun.
The caress on my skin of his warmth
is unmatched.
After such a cold and wet Winter,
I now bask in the glory of Spring-
who is revealing herself
daily, slowly,
savoring her unfolding.


It seems that at times
we must go
without,
to truly know abundance
and
gratitude.

"Unshakable Reflection"

I am reading my sister Sara's book.

I have read every story captured in those pages. I know some of them as if they were my own. But today, I am reading it cover to cover. Reading her stories in the order she has decided to express them in. I am tracing her footsteps, I am following the thread of her weaving. It is beautiful.

One of the stories has touched me more deeply today, than the numerous times I have read over it in the past. It is entitled, "Unshakable Reflection." And it has inspired this.


Dear Rachell,

I love spending time with you. You are funny and clever and wise. And silly.
You are truly my best friend. You have been with me through everything. We know each other so deeply and wonderfully that we smile in adoration, amusement, and knowing at each other's antics.
You are my Compass.
You are my Friend.
You are the One who is Always in my corner, no matter what.
You are powerful and wonderful and perfect.
Everything that you are is Okay.
Everything that you are is enough.
I love you.

Con cada fibra de mi ser~
Raquelita Hekate

I Am Very Brave.

I dare to Feel.

I keep putting my Magic in a box, stored in my little mobile home, tucked away with my scarves and my guitar and my box of books, still to be read.
I think that I can exist without those symbols draped around my body, touching my skin.

In truth, they give me strength, they remind me of all that I have come through, all that I have learned, and all that I contain within.

So, I am unpacking my Magic box, never to return such sacred symbols to their lonely storing place.
I am wearing Kali's skulls around my waist, the moon and snake around my neck, the colors of Life and Death and Life wrapped around me like scarves, like a Grandmother's cloak. I adorn my wrists and neck and breast with amber and ylang-ylang oil. I arouse my senses with sage and incense and herbs.

I am learning a new level of self-respect. Taking care of my body, taking care of my soul.

And I dare to Feel.

To Feel pain and envy and loss. Joy and elation and grace. Anger, frustration, and Peace.
I sit with each emotion, listening attentively, giving love and care where needed. I acknowledge and honor and Release.

Soy una nina salvaje
dulce, sabia, silvestre~
Tengo a todas las edades
mis Abuelas viven en mi,
Mi corazon es una estrella
Soy Hija de la Tierra~
se que todo es de todo
y que todo esta Vivo en Mi,
Todo esta Vivo en Mi.

Rocks on the Dashboard

vibrating in rhythm
with the hum
of my engine.

sometimes my truck won't start
and i am forced to sit back
and contemplate
the impermanence of things
to wait in the silence of
impending possibility,
and try again.

i am making peace
with all I do not say
with silences that hang
like curtains of moss
from trees
sometimes
Nature dresses herself so delicately
that i can barely breathe~
She is so stunning.

so today
i'll paint myself
with tiger stripes
and sit back
and smile
at the simple complexities
at Life
the orange peel
the seed
rubber-bands that make me go
weak at the knees
remnants
and
treasures
and
memories.

New Song.

I have come through
a hundred metamorphoses
with infinitely
more to come.


I am snake
shedding herself
like an old skin, new.
I am Daughter,
I am Mother,
being born
and giving birth to-

so i'll need no directions (thank you)
on this Journey to Myself
this Searching, this Finding
this Hide and Seek game
I am playing
with myself

I have had a thousand faces-
so many Women
to look back on, to become.
I am Phoenix Rising
from her holy ashes,
burned down to the essence
once again-

and i'll need no directions
on this Journey to Myself
this Searching, this Finding
this Hide and Seek game
I am playing
with myself

no, I'll need no directions
cause my Heart is (always) on the line
she's Leading, she's Guiding
she's Gathering
back all that is mine-


I have come through
a hundred metamorphoses
with infinitely
more to come.

Y / X

I walk in circles

ever-deepening

-Intimacy-

undresses me

with the most tender of care 

and grows me

like roots in the earth

like branches toward the sky-

I am I.

She that Changes,

that confides in whispers 

with the Wind,

sharing secrets 

and planting seeds,

conspiring Beauty.

She that Writes,

words and lyrics

and movement-

spilling forth onto the page

sounding out from 

between my lips.

She that Heals,

that dances a sultry tango

with Sorrow,

and clothes herself with Joy.

Real Life.

I've been trying to write here, but every time I do, it seems the words just run circles in my head and everything begins to sound like a Hedley Lamarr quote..."My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives."

Ridiculous.

So, no blogging for me. I found myself spending obscene amounts of time on the inter-web, and have been trying to ween myself off it! Ha! Easier said than done...

I had an amazing conversation with a friend today about accepting and loving ourselves, depression, family, God and church, religion as a whole. Some interesting insights that need to stew a bit more before they can be shared.

It's funny, often in conversation with others something will be said that strikes me, often deeply, that I would like to respond to....in about a week. When I've mulled it over and really thought about it. It can make conversation awkward sometimes, or at least I feel that way, but it seems to be how I work. Oh well. :)

Love to All, Buenas Noches.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

We have always celebrated St. Patty's day in my family. When my Grandfather was alive he began the tradition of gathering and eating a meal together on this night. Since his death, our tradition has become as much about celebrating and honoring his memory as about our heritage.

My Grandmother, though Portuguese, makes the best traditional Irish pan bread and corned-beef and cabbage that I have ever eaten. Not to mention a killer Irish coffee for dessert!

I am missing my Family today and sending them much love and Luck! ;)
With All of my Heart-
Rach

From "Eurydice"...

by Sarah Ruhl.

Reading some plays (recommendations of new house-matey, Luke). This one is the story of Orpheus and Eurydice. This is Eurydice speaking, it struck a chord-

"This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful."

Murky-Schmurky!

Haha! It's time to lighten up.

Love-

Murky Water. Feeling Stuck.

I am re-reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd.

"If we don't tell our truth, who will?" -Ursula K. Le Guin

I am burning. I am itching to put into words that which has occurred in my deepest being in the last few years. I am wanting something tangible. Something I can pick up and lay down and share with other women, and men too, if they are interested.

I am frustrated. I am near pulling out my hair. Just sit down and write...Right? But it does not seem that easy to me. I don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can pin-point some sort of beginning to start from. I sense a great task before me, if I am to sit down and write my story, my narrative, my experience. I think it is in part, due to fear, that I don't begin. Fear of failure? Fear of finding myself incapable of such a task? I'm not sure.

And the very real issue of How? How do I accurately and effectively put into words such deep shifts in my soul? How can I convey so many experiences, sometimes small and seemingly insignificant, that have converged into what I (might) call my current state of spiritual affairs? It is like trying to name the unnameable, express the inexpressible.

And yet, it has been done. For example, this book that I am re-reading. Sue Monk Kidd's telling of her journey is powerful. It is encouraging and strengthening and assuring. And it is making me stare straight into the face of all I want to accomplish, all I want to share, and my own fears and inhibitions and excuses for not doing so.

Ugh.

Nocturnal, Once More.

Just finished watching "The Red Violin"....beautiful.

I am feeling contemplative
reflective
introspective
I am a silly girl
a Wise Woman
a being on a Journey
of epic proportions
and yet one of
universal experience.

I had a ceremony under the full Moon
last night
I bore the cold
that burned with a ferocity
that is rare in California
I was warmed
by the light
of this Fire
that I have found within-
and the words that came,
that spoke to me
and healed my heart-

Love encompasses All.

All suffering, all pain, all the wrongs
that we perceive as having
been done to us,
against us-

Love encompasses All things.

And so,
I am weightless
I am free
I forgive and am forgiven-
I hold no grudges
no contempt
no bitterness
within-

for "I have found the paradox,
that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no hurt,
only more love."

Only more Love.


Buenas Noches a todos.
I hope that this finds you sleeping sweetly in your beds, warm and dreaming dreams of such bliss that you will awake with a smile gracing your lips, not even knowing why.

So Much Love-

Family.

Just came across this picture. A pre-Happy Birthday song shot at my mom's 50th.
Me (damn you red-eye!), my beautiful Grandmother, Pops in the background, my ever-stunning Sister, my Mom-all dolled up!- and my crazy Uncle Chris.

HAPPY FULL MOON!

Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Feliz Luna Llena a todas mis Hermanas Lobas- Sarita, Natalie, Yuko, Khumbai, Maren, Shirley y las quien todavia no he conocido...Celebramos! Y yo celebro con todas Uds aunque estamos seperadas por distancia y tiempo. I love you and I miss you all.

Somas UNIDAS en la mirada de nuestra querida Luna y en nuestras espiritus-
Howling with you.
Raquelita

Hopeless Romantic.

I should wear a badge, or a name tag.
Maybe a medal.
It takes some courage and bravery to remain a hopeless romantic, in the midst of all this madness. It takes determination not to become jaded and to keep oneself from that darker shade of hopeless.

The lighter shade, that one when paired with "romantic"- means something else entirely. It is not despairing. More, resigned perhaps. Resigned to walk the earth hoping that somewhere out there exists a flame that burns with the same intensity as mine.

"A Friend for the end of the world."

Someone who 'gets it', who adores me, and wants to wander beside me and who in return can bathe in the pools of tenderness that within me reside.
It is a Joyful resignation, because I know that there is no choice but to keep walking and keep hoping and keep burning, living Life fully and being grateful for All.

A dear friend, an older woman, once told me in her very pragmatic and no-nonsense way, "Rachell, don't be blind. You always want what you can't have. This is your problem."

Maybe so. Maybe not. I just want what I want.
Perhaps I am too much of an Idealist when it comes to Love.

I have no fairy-tale delusions, this is not some sappy Disney movie ending that I am looking for. I am a Hopeless Romantic to be sure, but I am not a fool. It is much more truly Romantic to stick together in tough times than to live in plastic perpetual bliss.

I am young, but I have traversed the shores of Love's teaching.
I have been wind-whipped by Love's storms, and yet have risen again to Love- again and more deeply.
I have tasted what partnership can mean, and it is what I long for.
It has been in the context of relationship that I have done some of the most powerful and transformational inner-work of my Life.
If we truly Love, it cannot be otherwise.

Sigh.

My Heart speaks to me even now, as I write this, and she says, "Patience, dear one, Patience."

Ah yes, patience. A quality to be honed in all things. Something I could use a lot more of. :)
May my patience deepen,
may my soul rest,
may my silly, Romantic heart know peace-
even in the midst of her clamoring.


Paz y Amor a Todos~ So Much Love to All-

Sanadora.

the day outside is
grey
but i have hidden myself away
inside with
Vibrant colors
reds and greens and blues,
con sabor and spices-
cinnamon and chocolate
sweeten my breath
while rhythm and pulse
pour out of the speakers-

I am dancing.

I am twirling and kicking
and striking poses
of dramatic proportion-
imagining myself
salsa-tango-cumbia queen-
i am sewing and singing
i am beading and writing
poems to no one-

I am celebrating Life.
I am Healing.


Yo soy una mujer silvestre hasta la alma-
Como puedo olvidarlo?
Como puedo negarlo?
Ya no puedo! Ya no quiero! Asi Soy YO!

Hard News From Home.

Pray, meditate, levitate, send good energy, whatever it is that you do- for my Uncle, please. And for the rest of the Family.

Thanks and Love.

"La Dulce Acequia"

"Creativity is the ability to respond to all that goes on around us, to choose from the hundreds of possibilities of thought, feeling, action, and reaction and to put these together in a unique response, expression, or message that carries moment, passion, and meaning."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

I Am.

I am Woman.
I am of the Earth.
I am Body.
I am Flesh, curvaceous and supple.
I burn sage,
adorn myself with draping cloth
and sweet oils.

Within me I hold
the power of Creation-
not only of Life,
but of Life's expression
of Itself.

I cannot deny this World
because I am of it's very substance,
the holy dust beneath my feet.

And besides, I know a secret.

Shh, come near, be quiet, and I'll tell-

This World
is permeated, infused, dripping
with the spirit of the
One Who Created-

and every little thing,
a temple for
the Divine.

Still a Little Sickie.

There is nothing more comforting to me when I am sick, than to sip on lemon and honey. My mom used to make it for me every time I had a sore throat as a child.

Still so soothing. Thanks Mom.

(And yes, I am taking my Vitamin C.)

Yes, Exactly.

(The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran)

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

Momentito.

Just read some beautiful emails from people that I love,
their words warmed me through.
Listening to Jose Gonzalez' "Hand On Your Heart"-
whose words make me ache with their familiarity,
echoing my Heart on the pains of my recent past.

Life is so bitter and so sweet.
Moments when I can appreciate both are rare and beautiful.

Love to All-

"Sensing Owls"

I am falling in love with the musica of Jose Gonzalez. Especially this song. I wish I could have it playing as you read this. It is so beautiful.

I've been moving so slowly here. I am making peace with that. Sometimes I think it is needed. As long as it is incubation and not stagnation. Working towards that.

Events of Note?

Definitely had a spontaneous get-down James Brown dance party with Aurora! We danced so hard and laughed so hysterically that I got a cramp. Seriously. That is a damn good time. :)
Thanks Rora.

Today it is grey (once more)...but it is not raining! Which is nice. Gonna make a trek to find a good used book store and pick up a few titles that have been calling my name. Then perhaps to a coffee shop to sit and read and write and linger for far too long. Yum.

Picked up Women Who Run With the Wolves again, not sure why I ever put it down. Reading now about La Llorona- metaphors for the healthy creative process of Women, and how it can become polluted. Very appropriate.

Love and Paz a todos-

Chavela.

“Una mujer tiene muchas vidas que vivir. Para hacer muchas cosas y romper limites como yo he hecho, hay que ser muy mujer. Después se dirá.”

("A woman has many lives to live. In order to do so many things and break so many limits, as I’ve done, one has to be very much a woman. At the end it will be told.")



"Muy Mujer." I like that. Yo Soy that. " :)

Paloma Negra.

"Ya me canso de llorar y no amanece
Ya no sé si maldecirte o por ti rezar

Hay momentos en que quisiera mejor rajarme
Y arrancarme ya los clavos de mi penar

¿Paloma negra, paloma negra dónde, dónde andarás?

Y aunque te amo con locura ya no vuelves
Paloma negra eres la reja de un penar
Quiero ser libre vivir mi vida con quien yo quiera"

Book of Hours.

Tonight, I wear my Grandmother's cloak,
and the scarab that once adorned
my sweet Uncle's neck.
Tonight, I write for them-
and for Beau
and for all the other beautiful souls
who've gone before,
into that Great Mystery.

Tonight, Rilke accompanies me
as I enter my Sanctuary, my Cave-
as I journey ever deeper
into the caverns I contain.

"Whom should I turn to,
if not the one whose darkness
is darker than the night, the only one
who keeps vigil with no candle,
and is not afraid-
the deep one, whose being I trust,
for it breaks through the earth into trees,
and rises,
when I bow my head,
faint as fragrance
from the soil."

Fragmented.

fragments
of my Self
have been wandering near me
on my Journey
these last few days
i am learning
though slowly
to accept each face
each phase
no longer haunting
they seem to dance
instead
i smile
and throw back my head
to howl
to laugh long and loud-
brazenly
and yet with great
tenderness-

we all blossom
slowly
and
with great fragility.

It Snowed!

Woke up this morning to a Winter Wonderland!

Unexpected. Very beautiful and fun!
I can't decide whether I want to go outside and play in it or truly hibernate, and crawl into my Cave. :)

Maybe a little of both is in order. But first, coffee.

Love-

Alone, and Writing.

Let the flood gates
open
let the words flow
with grace
and clarity
oh Most Holy Muse-
She who cannot be named,
He who holds me tenderly

come now
be near me
as i devote myself
fully,
to
Listen-

listening for the words
to come.

Yes!

I made it to WA!

I write now, accompanied by what is quite possibly the largest mug of coffee I have ever seen. My fingers don't touch while cupping it with both hands! Ridiculous.
It also is some of the best coffee- from Dave's personal stash of New Guinea beans. Yum.

The truck is still running well. She's gotten me this far, which is really all I ever expected or asked of her. :) Hooray!

I'm just settling in here, but I am ECSTATIC about the possibilities this house holds for me...Dave has created what he calls, The Recording Cube, a wood-framed structure, completely covered with sheets of insulation made from recycled denim. Amazing. He's given the go ahead for me to turn it into my "Creative Cave" for the next few days!! I can't wait. I'm going to finally get to all the old journals and notebooks and writing and read through them all!
After I've emerged from said Cave, we're going to use it for what it's really for...recording! He showed me some tracks of his music that he's recorded in there, and it sounds beautiful. I'm really looking forward to having recordings of my newer songs.

Sigh.

Good to be here. Though admittedly, Seattle does not compare with the atmosphere and vibe of Portland. I might just stay in the house for the next few weeks! :)

I need some good re-charge, hibernation time. Some time for the seeds that have been planted to be nurtured and to grow. My extroverted-self was well cared for in OR, and now my introverted-self needs some love and attention. And I am more than happy to give it.

Amor y Paz a todos-
Raquelita

It Is Well.

the light of Love
lovingly caresses
mi alma
and illuminates
my heart
and yes, even
lifts my head

such beautiful words
that i need neither
leave nor forsake
neither proclaim
nor deny

for they
have been written
on my heart

and there they have stayed
for they were written
with passion
and beauty
and a love-longing burning
for even merely
a glimpse
of that kind of
Grace.

This

is going to be an amazing Journey.
(It has been so far already.)

I am in awe.

Inspiracion.

Love is daily self-sacrifice.

But what of ourselves is sacrificed? Our selfishness, our self centered-ness, our ego and pride-
our lowest selves.

And so it is that Love refines us. And transforms us.

Quote, Modified.

"She sees deep and is glad,
who ascends to mortality
and in her imprisonment rises
upon herself as
the sea in a chasm,
struggling to be free and unable to be,
in her surrendering
finds her continuing."

A dear friend wrote and reminded me that I am something growing. And today this is as much needed as it is appreciated.
I find myself a little 'stuck'- needing a head shift of some sort.
Needing some patience with myself.

Did I Mention...

...that I LOVE Portland?!

Laughing At Myself.

First off,
I LOVE Portland.
And I've only been here a few hours. Looks very, very promising. :) Exciting!

Secondly,
Let me tell you how I got here.

I left Medford early/mid afternoon with the intention of driving straight through to Portland. I made it as far as Salem (some 50 miles away). I was so close I could taste it, but I knew I was pushing it so I stopped. I figured I could find a nice little park-spot in some nice little neighborhood in Salem.
Not the case.
Apparently in Salem, or at least the area I was in, hardly anyone parks on the street. They all have long driveways that leave the streets nearly bare. Needless to say I felt a little conspicuous parking my Little Hippie Truck in such conditions. Not to mention the "Neighborhood Watch" signs and the funky energy. Not feelin' it.
I probably drove around Salem for 20/25 minutes or so and was at this point nearing a delirious tantrum. My tired whining was annoying even me. Especially me. Ha.
Anyway, I make one final turn onto the main stretch, desperately scanning for a side street, a sweet spot, something- when I saw it. There before me, blue lights gleaming and in all it's Gawd-Awful Glory, stood WAL-MART.

I freaked out. I think I actually threw my arms up in the air in the 'Victory' position. I definitely hooted and hollered. Oh my. I have never in my Life felt such elation to see one of the most despicable capitalist strongholds of all time.
Let me explain.
WAL-MART has a nation-wide policy that permits people to park overnight without being hassled. Suh-weetness. I was so happy.
I go into said stronghold to use the bathroom (appropriate), and head back out to Home, Sweet Home. Before making it out the door, I check a clock, it's approximately 8:00pm.

I set up bed, do a little writing, and CRASH. It must've been about 8:30/8:45. I didn't even care, I was so tired. I figured, I'll get a good night's sleep, wake up just as it's getting light, and watch the sun rise on the final stretch to Portland.
I woke up, tummy rumbling, a little cold, but very much awake. No going back. I look outside and the first thing I see is the side of a bus in the spot next to me, it reads "RIDE FOR FREEDOM" and has the causes it rides for, listed. It was kind of cool. Definitely going to look into it more.
It's still pretty dark at this point- like, night-dark. But there are people on the road, I think to myself, it must be that dark right before morning, you know, 4:00 or so. Eh, it's cool, early start sounds good.
Know where this is going yet? I didn't.
I get behind the wheel and the Truck starts right up, humming. Yes. My first thought, Coffee. Now. I spot an Am/Pm down the street and stop, hoping it won't be too bad. It wasn't. It was surprisingly strong. As I'm paying, I check out the clock behind the counter.

It is 2 AM.

I started cracking up. Right in front of the guy working there. He probably thought I was losing it. Oh man.
So, I decide to hit the Road anyway. What the hell, right? Less folks on the Road and Artemis the Truck and I can hum along at our very comfortable 60/65 mph without being shamed by being passed by the occasional big rig.
Little bit down the Road and I feel the pressing need to pee. I pull off and see a Denny's. Cool.
The girl at the counter is warm and friendly and points me in the right direction. As I come out, I hear her frustrated mutterings as she tries to un-jam the receipt paper in the ATM machine. She looks at me, dead-pan, and runs her finger acrosss her throat- the universal sign of desperate irritation and frustration. She asked, mostly joking, "You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?"

Actually, I do. And some pliers. I bring her both and hang out for awhile, totally feelin' myself for being so handy. Mmhmm.
I visited with the waitress, a sweet motherly woman, who showed polite concern for a young woman traveling alone at 3am. She was very kind, I liked her a lot.
I had nowhere to be, so I hung out until Stephanie, the other girl, finally gave up on fixing the ATM machine. It was probably about 4am when I hit the Road again. Random. Fun. :)

I pull up to a hostel around 4:30am. Nap time. The sun and neighborhood noises wake me up, and I go inside to find out about a bed for tonight. Met some really friendly folks and walked down to The Fresh Pot, which is where I find myself sitting now. Coffee's alright and they're playing Erykah Badu, which is a Divine way to start your morning, musically speaking.

Now, I'm gonna go explore a bit and hit that shower! Mmm.
Love to All-
More (mis)adventures to come...!

Here, Once More.

It seems the more searching, the more seeking- the more questions I find. So few answers lately.

Tonight, this poem speaks to me once again.

Reassurance

I must love the questions
themselves
as Rilke said
like locked rooms
full of treasure
to which my blind
and groping key
does not yet fit.

and await the answers
as unsealed
letters
mailed with dubious intent
and written in a very foreign
tongue.

and in the hourly making
of myself
no thought of Time
to force, to squeeze
the space
I grow into.

(Alice Walker)

I hiked last night in the Umpqua National Forest by the light of the stars...I cannot describe that kind of Beauty, do not dare to try to regurgitate it into words.

I can only experience it with every fiber of my being.

And be filled with gratitude and awe at being so very Alive.

Tonight, I am full and empty and yearning.

New (to me) Rumi...

IN THE ARC OF YOUR MALLET


Don’t go anywhere without me.
Let nothing happen in the sky apart from me,
or on the ground, in this world or that world,
without my being in its happening.
Vision, see nothing I don’t see.
Language, say nothing.
The way the night knows itself with the moon,
be that with me. Be the rose
nearest to the thorn that I am.

I want to feel myself in you when you taste food,
in the arc of your mallet when you work,
when you visit friends, when you go
up on the roof by yourself at night.

There’s nothing worse than to walk out along the street
without you. I don’t know where I’m going.
You’re the road and the knower of roads,
more than maps, more than love.

Sleepless in San Leandro.

It is nearly 3am, and I am wide awake.

Just got back from a beautiful night with dear friends. It has been a day of goodbyes. Tomorrow will be one too. As much as what I have written here is true- leaving pieces and a growing Heart- It never gets easier to say goodbye to people that you love and care about.

I'm gonna write a letter to my folks and to my hermanita and play my new lady-friend for a bit- maybe words will meet music and a song will be born.

Buenas Noches y Paz...

Warm Socks and Good Music.

Feeling a little melancholy this morning.
Of course, it probably isn't helping that I've got Timi Yuro's album, Hurt, playing in the background as I pack. :)
I never said I wasn't a little bit of a musical masochist.
I am.
Oh dear.

Okay, no more procrastinating! Onward! Packing!



OH!
I got a guitar yesterday- She's amazing! She sings...

More to come.
Love-

Yeah.

Feel like dancing-
dance cause We Are Free...
though the Road is rocky
it sure feels good to me-

Highway riding-
the sun is arising
the sign is arising
highway riding-

Rainbow Country!

"I'm Gonna Put It On the Record..."

I drove my truck for the first time in four days, just now. It passed smog. I came home and had a James-Brown-get-down-and-funky Dance party in the kitchen. A dance of pure and utter joy.

and Now, some Bob. :)

This is happening, and I am going. I have never felt such deep knowing about the direction of my course. I have listened to my Heart.

Gracias a Dios.

Here I come you big wide Beautiful world!

Beauty.

There is a song that was introduced to me a million years ago by my friend, Dave. It's a song from his youth, written by a friend of his that they would all sing and play together. Some folks who know what it means to have to say goodbye.

Whenever I leave a place, this song echos-

"Saying goodbye, I give you pieces of my heart..."

And it's true. I've left pieces of my heart every place that my feet have travelled, everywhere that I have been where I have loved, and loved deeply- and to me, it's not so much sad, as it is Beautiful.

Because my heart just keeps growing.

For every piece left, there is created room ten-fold in my heart to Love and give from. I'm not sure how or why it has worked this way, I just know that it has, and I am grateful.

I Love so many people in so many places, and the memories of them and what they have taught me- son mis tesoros. I am Blessed, truly. My Family just keeps growing.

Saying goodbye makes it all much more real- I'm leaving. In a matter of days now.

For those to whom I have already spent time with in these last few days- Gracias, con todo mi corazon. Thank you, with all of my heart. Thank you for sharing your selves, for being a part of my Life. For those I have yet to see- call me. (You know the digits!) And if you don't, and are around and would like to hang out, email me. [rkshaffer@gmail.com]

So Much Love-

Today.

I am tired.

Not the worn-down kind, but the I've-been-living-all-of-my-days-fully kind. Which feels good.

My body is a little sore from my rock-climbing and tide-pool hopping in Monterey yesterday...which was AMAZING. :)
I headed down the coast with my buddy, Jeremy. Monterey is one of his favorite places in the whole world and I felt honored that he wanted to go there with me. We had a blast. Just wandered around taking pictures, hit the beach, hung out seperately and together- which I love. I love having friends that hold space for one or the other of us to wander off alone for a little bit, and wander back. Pretty special.

When we got back to the Bay, I ran some Road errands and then Joe, Tommy, Jeremy, and I all shared some cheese, hummus, grapes, and wine! With those three the conversation is always unpredictable, and always entertaining. :)
Some good quality time with friends before I say goodbye. Lovely. Hopefully more of that to come yet...

I want to post some shots from the day, a devious dinner party at Natalie's, and the Show at the cafe. The computer I have access to is currently experiencing some difficulties, so hopefully soon!

Love-

Reading 'Travels With Charley'

"For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?"

-John Steinbeck

Nocturnal.

My time is growing short here and these quiet hours of the night have become a time of gathering and preparation.

My list of 'Doing' is calling me, but quickly, first,

I played a show last night at Mon Cafe. It was Incredible. Joe and Manami and a few others wanted to put on a Benefit Concert of sorts- to help me raise some funds for a new guitar. The outpour of support from this community doesn't seem to have an end. I am so grateful for them.

It was a beautiful night! Magical. By far the most comfortable I have ever been playing in front of people- I shared some stories and played a set of all originals- It felt so good to express myself in that way. To share of myself, my travels and experiences- it felt like Something big.

More than anything- the fact that people whom I love and respect, those that know me deeply- expressed their belief in and support of my Music.
It has affirmed me and strengthened me and encouraged me in ways that I cannot begin to fathom, let alone express. I am so grateful for these people in my Life. I am astounded.

Love to All and Good Night.

Hyper-Distillation.

dis⋅til⋅la⋅tion 

[dis-tl-ey-shuhn] –noun

1. the volatilization or evaporation and subsequent condensation of a liquid, as when water is boiled in a retort and the steam is condensed in a cool receiver.

2. the purification or concentration of a substance, the obtaining of the essence or volatile properties contained in it, or the separation of one substance from another, by such a process.

StreamsofThoughts

sitting in a computer lab at chabot college waiting for this class to be over so i can have a car ride to myself back to my client's house the quiet of computer labs always creeps me out a little you can hear the machines humming so many of them more than the amount of people in the room. weird. for some reason it helps me to not have to put punctuation or worry so much about form i have realized that i need to turn the inner-editor off- or at least turn the volume down because it stops me from writing at all sometimes. the woman i work with uses such a harsh tone with people all the time i wonder how people (others too not just her) talk to others like that without hearing themselves and cringing maybe they don't mean too, but to not hear it? strange.
i wonder if i do that.
my mind is dancing today have to enjoy and not over-do-it overthinking is one of the main things that exhausts me after today i only have one more thursday before i leave!! whooooohoooo! gracias a diosa i made it through endurance determination i stuck with it even at it's roughest i am proud of myself.

i am proud of myself.

good to write it good to feel it- even as i write this i find i am being a little bit "complainy" which usually means i am tired-which i think is true- i haven't been sleeping well. my dream cycles have been scattered and irregular and jarring weird images and feelings that linger even after i have woken up hopefully it stops soon. maybe i can catch up this weekend yum.

i'm a little bored. (ha! can you tell?) which i always feel guilty saying. when i was a kid my mom instilled a distaste for that word- my sister and i would complain of boredom and she would say "how could you be bored?? there's so much to do! go play." we would moan and groan a little as kids sometimes do and inevitably would get caught up in some game or a make-believe land of our imaginings. i am forever grateful to my mother for not allowing us to watch too much tv when we were little.

ah, yes. 4oclock nears and we will go wait for the bus and then me to my truck for some brief solitude and silence......sigh.

Mmm-Hmm.

Today, I am inspired!

Partly due to the previous quote, and others read here.
and perhaps also partly due to a miraculous visit to DMV this morning...

My mind is dancing with possibilities and it seems that all those closed doors I have stared sullenly at for so long have begun to creak open, rusty hinges and all.

When I am inspired like this, Life once more is renewed in me- the ordinary, sacred. The mundane, magical. I know that in truth, it is always this way, that in fact, it is my own issues and hangups that cloud my perception. Good to re-member this today.

I want to live asi- With a Believing Heart.

I'm headed out in about a week and a half, first stop: Oregon! I can't wait! I've only flown over this forested land and I am so excited to drive through and experience Life there. Not to mention some beautiful folks to see along the way. :)

Hmm.

“We must be our own before we can be another’s.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's True.

I.


Love.


Words.

"Let's face it- I'm pooped!"

Yes. Yes, I did just reference Blazing Saddles.

Man, whatta day. Phew. Thursday, my work-all-day day.

It was still pretty magical though. :) I had some time to myself while my client was in class, so I kicked off my sandals and walked around campus. Met this kid named Juan, who was playing his guitar on a bench. He invited me to draw with some chalk that he had. So I did. Random.
We talked for awhile and I asked him what he wanted to do in Life- he told me, "I want to be a Muse. That's it. Not much money in it though..."
He made me laugh and smile. I love idealism and exuberance and enthusiasm for Life- especially when so pure. Funny guy. It was a nice encounter.

I've been running into some characters of late. True characters. Ha. I love it. I think it's one of my favorite things.

I have a couple of hours to myself before my next shift starts, (this day's not through with me yet!) so I am sipping a glass of wine, feet up, posting this, and then planting my face in some hot food. Yum.

I have a song coming. I can feel it. It always rumbles in my chest and tingles in my fingers before I can actually sit down and write it. If anyone has any acoustic guitar suggestions, email me. My sweet friend did in fact, die. I took her in to a repair shop and the guy told me that one of the brackets inside had broken, down by the bridge, and it would cost more to fix than was worth it. Sigh.

That's okay. New start, new travels, new guitar. Sounds good. :)

Sending so much Love to All-

Impossible!

This morning I woke up with a random song from my childhood in my head.
I all but burst from my room singing it-

"But the world is full of zanies and fools
Who don't believe in sensible rules-
And won't believe what sensible people say.
And because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes
keep building up impossible hopes,
Impossible things are happening every day!"


Call me daft and dewey-eyed today. I'm packing and preparing to the Sound of Music soundtrack. And I'm not ashamed to admit it! Ha!

Sometimes I think we need to be silly and dreamy and dance around the house singing songs about impossible dreams and favorite things and do-re-mi, dammit!

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm naive, ridiculous, a child. Sometimes, it's what is called for.

I do suggest spontaneous dancing for lifting the spirit. :) Throw in a twirl or two.

Love and Silliness-

Broken Thoughts.

I am the Keeper of the Fire that burns in me.

I am filled with unspoken resignation. A cresent sliver of hope.

I need to be in a Meeting, soon.

Recuerdos.

I was thinking about Questions.
Questions I would love to ask people, for fun. (Why I was thinking about such things at this hour on a Saturday night, Dios only knows.)
One Question I thought of was- What was your favorite place as a child? Not like "Disneyland" or "My grandma's house" or something, but the kind of places that only Children discover.

And I had a really odd, really obscur memory come to me.

It was of a small room in a big house in Lafayette that my mom and her friend would house-sit for during the summers. It was a magical place for children. Giant oak trees, a rose garden, a pool, a piano, and many rooms to explore, each with their own stories and daydreams. My sister and I would look forward to those two weeks of house-sitting more than any other summer plans. It must have been from when I was about 8 to about 10 or 11.

The memory was this- of a small room with an alcove. It was lit only by the rays of the afternoon sun that streamed lazily through the window, illuminating the dust particles and making them dance. The window was angled to create the space for a bench seat that you had to climb up on. It had a maroon velvet cushion. I would sit there for hours in the warmth of the sun, reading, drawing, staring out at the wild garden and trees. Next to this perch, facing the room, was a baby grand piano. Black and shiny and perfect. The piano bench was within the reach of the sun's rays- they shone in on you and warmed your back and neck as you played. I would sit and dabble at that piano, stumbling through little songs someone had shown me, making some up. It didn't matter to me that I didn't really know how to play anything, I just loved touching the keys and feeling their weight.

Of course, I spent much of those two weeks running around outside barefoot and half-naked, dirty and estatic. The kids all played together and we swam and climbed trees multiple times a day. But I have vivid memories of that room and going there alone. Of sneaking away from the games. I loved it there. It was pure Magic.


Wow. What was your favorite place? Think about it.

Prayer.

Speak to me
in words I can understand.

Reveal to me
the heart of all things.

Hold me, gently, tonight.

You See, Here's the Thing...

I'm awkward. And sometimes shy.

I'm not very good at chit-chat or chatter or the polite conversations that we sometimes have to have.
I look into places where I am sometimes not invited and can tend toward intensity and glare innocently and with great curiosity in (too deeply?) to those around me.

My eyes are light sensitive, my heart is "too" sensitive, and I cry all the time.

Now that I've told you all the reasons not to love me and displayed on high all my deep insecurity-

Hi.

(Contented) Sigh.

I have had a great day.

I finished my book this morning, wrote for a bit, and indulged in a long shower. (Sorry, California.)
As I was about to head out on my mission for dog food, my buddy Jeremy called and we ended up spending a few sweet hours together. Good conversation, good food...AND i got out of a parking ticket. (Thank you, Kind parking-ticket Lady!)
Headed back home and tossed around a ball with my faithful, four-legged Regalito. (I have never known such adoration.)
After that I watched one of the Planet Earth documentaries. (Borrowed from said Jeremy.)

It was about the Jungle. It was INCREDIBLE. They had sped up footage of a seed sprouting up through the earth on the forest floor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Literally, pushing through the ground and being birthed into the world. Breathtaking. (Yes. I'm a dork. And I don't care.) I love Nature.

Sigh. Now a creative evening lies ahead of me- writing, playing, singing- yum.

There are days when I laze like I did today, and I feel guilty for it. Like I should be doing something, getting something done. Those days are wasted- I'm taking it slow but I'm not enjoying it and I'm not doing anything that nourishes my soul.

But Today, no guilt, only pleasure and enjoyment and laughter and fun. Yes! Phew. I needed it.

So much Love to All-

This Morning.

An Irish coffee and a smoke.
A good book.
My notebook and a pen.
Allowing myself to wander about the house, doing as I please, not doing much at all.

My heart feels quiet, resting, peaceful. A nice change. And I am grateful.

Hope it's Beautiful one for All- Disfrutalo!

Love.

The Clincher.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

This book is full of beauty and yet, heart-wrenching. It's by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist, which is one of my favorite books of all time. I was in a used bookstore in Berkeley, not looking for anything inparticular, when I saw this book by him. Thought I would see what else he had to say-

"I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear-- it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering-- just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture."

"The universe always helps us to fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. Our dreams are our own, and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive."

"I also knew that from this moment on I was going to experience heaven and hell, joy and pain, dreams and hopelessness; that I would no longer be capable of containing the winds that blew from the hidden corners of my soul. I knew that from this moment on love would be my guide-- and that it had waited to lead me ever since childhood, when I had felt love for the first time."

"I closed my eyes and let the music flow through me, cleansing my soul of all fear and sin and reminding me that I am always better than I think and stronger than I believe."

Ponderings.

So often, I find myself wound tightly, worried about my "Do-ing List" (note: not 'To Do' but 'Doing'!) overwhelmed by all the possibilities and decisions that need to be made. I'm not sure how it happens, but it's like a coil that slowly winds tighter and tighter over days, maybe weeks, until one day I sit down and my chest is tight and my head aches. Not good.

In the process of preparing for the Road, and really, reconfiguring my Life- re-prioritizing, re-evaluating, and sorting through the all the little messes, I have gone through this numerous times. When I reach that point, when that coil is about ready to spring- I have to find a way to unwind myself, to breathe, relax, and Remember.

Today I am wondering how many more times I am going to put myself through this.

I think what is needed is the awareness and intention to live more mindfully- not spinning until I'm so dizzy I nearly fall over before taking much needed respite- but actually listening to myself each day, taking stock, and asking myself what is needed. Rest? Work? Play?
Obviously, in this grown-up world, I have to be mindful of my commitments, obligations, and deadlines. But with the time that is mine, I need to be much more aware of how I spend it. I need to be good to myself, too.

And to Remember. Remember that yo soy una florecita preciosa and that I am blooming- petals unfolding gently, nurtured, coaxed, and encouraged by a loving hand. That this Great Mystery is always moving, always dancing, always changing, and always Joyous.

Wow.

"...and that as the world grows smaller our common humanity shall reveal itself."

-President Barack Obama

The Day We've All Been Waiting For...

I rolled out of bed, staggered my way, zombie-like, to the shower with half-closed eyes, not fully awake.

When I came out of my room the news was on. It was only then that I realized what day it was.

Holy shit.

In a few short hours we will be fully rid of the Bush administration. We will have a new President, with a new perspective, ideas, ideals. I have many thoughts on this fine morning. And I do try to have as much compassion as humanly possible when talking about others, even Bush. But on this morning, I fear I must put that aside for one moment and express what I am feeling unfiltered and uninhibited....

IT"S OVER SUCKAS!!! Ahhhahahaha!! GET OUT!
(*to be accompanied by slightly maniacal laughter and a dancing jig of glee.)

Whoooohooooo! Cheers!

Writing.

It's like
bubbling
right below the surface.
It's like
the wind howling
through the cracks and the fissures
in the marrow
of my bones.
It's like
brimming
and brimming
and never quite
overflowing.
It's like
a hundred thousand
words
caught in my throat.
It's like
the beating of the bird's heart
against it's ribcage
in it's breast,
as the door to it's cage
unlatches.

I
have
stories
to
write.

I
have
Wisdom
to
share.

I have so much Beauty
pent up
inside me
that
my pen
demands
the page.


And I've decided
Something.

I've decided to get the hell out of my way.

Day of Rest.

And....I'm back. What a week. I can hardly begin to write about everything I experienced in the last week. It was hard and beautiful. I will share more as it comes, after I've sat with it for awhile.

One thing I will say is that I am eternally grateful for such things:

-Running, hot water. Especially when coming from a shower head. This is a privilege and a gift to be Thankful for. Truly.

-Friendships that transform and grow with time. Friendships that can withstand the many storms and changes of Life. Jenelle, much love to you my Friend.

-Prayer.

-Family, in all of it forms.

-For Welcome Home's and puppy dog kisses.


A short poem writtten on the Road late last night...


The sound of the Road
beneath the tires
and the Wind rushing by,
like a lullaby.
I close my eyes
and Rest,
with my sweet friend
at the wheel.

We've spent the day
singing silly songs
in ridiculous voices,
car dancing,
and waving at strangers
passing by.

And I am amazed
and ever grateful-
for the blessings and surprises
for the hardships and the trials
for Life
and the fullness of Glory
to be found
in each Moment.


So much Love to All-
Raquelita.

Esperando....Waiting. Hoping.

My heart is full of such aching tonight. I am packing and preparing for the drive ahead of me tomorrow. I am so worried for my Sister and for my family there. I feel helpless to help them. I hope my presence is enough- it's all I have to give, it's all that I can do.

My communication skills tonight are squat. To those I've interacted with, or who have had to interact with me- I apologize, profusely.

I have to leave my pup behind (or else he faces a three week quarantine to get back into the country) which also hurts my heart. How quickly we've become fast friends. He has saved me as much as I have him.

Please pray for me- strength, comfort, courage, and a deep well of compassion and tenderness to give from. I get so angry and indignant and outraged at the relations/situation on the border. The pain and suffering caused by such an insurmountable obstacle- that separates families and loved ones and limits the possibilities and opportunities of so many people. It cuts me to the core.

I believe that Strength comes as we need it- and truly I have been amazed at myself and the resiliency that has shown itself in these last few weeks. But tonight, I feel weak and helpless. Overwhelmed.

It is hardest to Trust in times such as these- in the dark, with so much unknown. But I am trying.

Mi Dios,
oye mi oracion.
Te pido, con toda mi fuerza, con cada fibra de mi ser-
que se cuida a mi familia y a mi hermana.
Que los proteja, que los comforta, y que todo sale bien.
Te doy gracias por esta Vida tan preciosa.
Te amo.

More Pictures.

I was thinking about the last time I was in Mexicali....

A sunset on La Frontera, the protest, the squat in Mexicali, toda la Familia, and sisters- all decked out for the Quincenera.

That was a beautiful time. Such a wide range of experiences, all in one viaje.

It's been too long between phone calls and visits.

I Left My Heart...

...In Mexicali. I'm headed there, unexpectedly, next week. Because there are some things in Life that we have to show up for, and this is one. For those of the praying persuasion, please pray with all you've got for my sister, Lupita.

A Girl and her Dog.

Of Late.

the stains
my bleeding heart
has poured out on the floor
have become my palette.
so now
I paint in ochre
and umber
brilliant vermillion
and the deepest scarlet

I paint with the brushstrokes
of all my Sorrow-
I paint upon the page
my very Heart
breaking open.

I Am Alive.

I am full of such sensation, such feeling, such emotion.
The raw, fiery power of Creation, Herself.

I Am Kali.
I Am Hekate.
I Am Owl, Wolf, Maiden, Mother, Crone.

I Am I. She That Is.

I have borne that pain
which I thought unbearable.
My greatest fears have come to pass,
and yet, I Am still here.

I Am breathing.
I Am pulsing.
I Am living.
I Am singing and howling and teasing.
I Am crying and shaking and healing.

I Am She Who Cried Wolf
with ALL HER MIGHT.

She who left the flock-
for the Night,
for the trees,
and the unfenced Wilderness
of my own Soul.

Hearts don't belong behind padlocked gates,
or fenced areas that will keep you "safe"-

Remember the young boy who
sold his sheep
in search of his Dream?
I Am he.

Poetry.

"In the name of..."


This guy's got it figured out.


I feel this one.

This Is Going To Be A Good Year.

I can feel it. And I am hope-full.
All the shit we've endured, all the struggles, the transitions, the changes of the past year- behind us. All the invaluable and precious lessons we learned from them- seeds within us.

They will need to be nurtured and grow strong in the coming months ahead- because Life always asks us to show what we've learned. And all those seeds will be asked to Bloom. And whatever you learned will be called upon, that new strength mustered, and you will be asked to become and Live your new understanding.

I'm excited.

This is going to be a really good year.
I have Surrendered.
I am learning to Surrender, more and more each day.
I am thankful, on this the first day of (the year known as) 2009.
I am thankful for Life. I am thankful to be Alive.
I am thankful for every moment of my Life, past and Present.

For each breath given, for every note I sing, for every tear and every smile.

Dadora de La Vida-
y La que Quitala,

Te doy Gracias. Muchisimas Gracias por todo que me has dado. Por cada momento.

Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Wow.

Just read back over the entirety of "The Holy Moment"- a large portion of my writing over the past 3 years or so. I started at the very beginning and read through to the most recent. pretty incredible.

What a Beautiful Journey I have been on. So many beautiful places, people, experiences, and lessons. I could hear my voice more clearly too, for some reason, on this read-through. Exciting.

Writing is something that I love. That I want to always be a part of my Life.

Going to spend this next week or so, focusing more on preparation for the Road ahead. I am truly looking forward to it. That and spending some more time with Joe. :)

May you all have a blessed week. May you cherish the last few days of this year and reflect on what it has been, what it has brought and taught you. May you spend some time thinking about the year to come- your hopes, dreams, and intentions.

Love to All-

Reinaldo Arenas

I just watched "Before Night Falls," a movie about the life and writing of Reinaldo Arenas. I highly recommend this movie. What a beautiful man and artist. I'm starting his memoir by the same title.

Also, I just saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I was a bit skeptical, due to it's cast including the obscenely famous Brad Pitt, but truly, it is beautiful. I feel as though I haven't fully digested it yet, and may need to take myself to see it again. :)

The premise is that a baby is born with a rare disease- he is born old. He is born with all the ailments of age, and yet as he gets older, he grows younger, and dies an infant. The metaphors and ideas expressed and insinuated are too much for me to write about just yet. I think one more viewing and then...

Have had a head-shift of late. A good thing. My upcoming travels are beckoning and asking for my attention.

I finished my year at the Literacy program. An accomplishment with many repercussions and reverberations, one of them being I have found myself with more time on my hands. This coming week especially.

I am grateful. Grateful to have time off for the beginning of the new year- time to contemplate, take stock, prepare. I hope to spend a lot of time in my truck- fixing her up, getting her ready, packing, sorting, getting rid of that which I really don't need. And writing. Much writing.

Tonight, I am drinking honey beer (yum), listening to The Be Good Tanyas, and reading and writing. I am hopeful, anticipatory, quietly excited.

I am both looking forward to what is to come and enjoying exactly where I find myself to be.

Gracias a Dios.

PAINTING.

images and visions are surfacing
faster than my brush can move
across the canvas.
i
am
revelling
in
it.

A Post from 2005...Wow.

A Dancing Heart.

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!...

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

As the worries, excitements, joys, sorrows, pain, and elation wash over me i sit very still. I can feel their movements around me, surrounding me, in me, through me. I grope for nothing, grasp nothing in my hands or heart. I honor each emotion simply because it is. I do not force, i do not resist. Breathe, breathe. i can feel some rhythm arising in me. It is quiet and steady, constant, welcoming, and warm.
My heart is dancing. She is free. Because she knows what my head cannot, will not:
Life is full. Beauty is the simultaneous existence of the greatest sorrow and deepest joy. To live mindfully is divinity manifested.
I've been searching for home, i have found it to be an elusive ideal, trying so hard to track it down. I've had this inner struggle, is home something we create by being? Arranging things, situations and people around us in such a way? Or Is it something we have to cultivate within ourselves?

My heart smiles, she's been waiting patiently for me to catch up. Curvacious and supple, i watch her naked silhouette as she leaps up to show me the way. She knows where home is: i watch her, she's running ahead of me, looking back to see if i'm following, to see if i am captivated. I am, and i watch as she slows her run to a walk, and with deliberate movement, confident and graceful, she steps in and curls up to the space where the very breath of God breathes in me.
She snuggles in close, like a child in wonder, in adoration. Like a lover, fully known, vulnerable, real and purely her Self. In the holy moment, she has lost herself, almost forgotten i was there- following behind, waiting. When she senses my presence, she opens her eyes slowly and looks at me warmly. She doesn't say a word, but the warmth and depth hidden in her large green eyes invites me in and says, "Didn't you know? The Divine One dwells within you- you are God's Creativity, her Compassion, his True Expression- our Beloved will never leave you- for he cannot! She is intricately woven into every fiber of your being."

Rest, dear heart, you are home.

Ay, de mi Sarita.

One of my favorite things in the whole world is long-distance phone conversations with friends in faraway places.

Unfathomable distances apart, somehow in one moment you are reunited, one again. There are those with whom I share, and then there are those with whom I share the entirety of my being, and Sarita is del segundo.

I miss my friend.

Madre, te doy gracias por amigos como asi. Dos cuerpos con la misma espiritu.
Somas muchas, somas una.

Eres una hermana mia, amigita. Te adoro y te quiero mucho. Gracias a ti.

Death.

"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
then shall you truly dance."

-Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Life-Death-Life.

My heart is aching. My Grandmother-Friend, Joanne, passed away this weekend.

I find myself crying off and on, throughout the day. Grief has always been this way with me, washing over me in waves. Her death, resounds in my heart, reverberates somewhere between flesh and soul, though I find myself still standing. My foundations have not crumbled at their core. I find myself crying more in wonder and awe at her life, at the breadth and width and depth of this human experience. What a Woman. What a Life she lived.

Well over a year ago, Joanne gave me some of her writing. A most precious gift. I spent the day yesterday at Dia de Los Muertos, my favorite cafe in Oakland, reading over what she had shared with me. It felt appropriate and honoring to do so there among las calaveras, La Muerte, y las flores, with the rain falling steadily outside.

The aching is deep. And though there are searing moments, even deeper is my gratitude for having known her.

As we head into Winter, I am reminded that Death is a part of Life, and a necessary part of the Cycle. I find myself looking forward to the dying to come in the next few months. The discerning, the sorting, the leaving, the taking, the giving of Life to that which I long to see grow, and the giving of Death to that which no longer serves anyone.

I have a feeling that this Winter will be hard. Hard and wet and cold and soggy.
But I'm not afraid. I look forward to it's challenges and the transformation to come.

Mourning Morning.

Salman Rushdie

"For a long while I believed that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging. Who came into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family, or location, or nation, or race. That there may even be millions or billions of such souls, as many Non Belong-ers as Belong-ers, perhaps. That in some the phenomenon may be as natural a manifestation of human nature as it's opposite. But one that has been mostly frustrated throughout human history by lack of opportunity.

And not only by that. For those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change- have erected a power system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive anti-social force. So that we mostly conform. We pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel. We hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities that bear the Belong-er's seal of approval.

But the truth leaks out in our dreams."

A Little Hungover....from all the Fun, of course

What a great night!
We had a gathering for my Mom's 50th birthday last night! She decided for her 50th, to throw a cocktail party. :) Friends, old and new, family, a million appetizers and much merriment. Everyone looked incredible with good times had by all.

Pictures to come!

God, Yes.

Friends that are willing to lend you their guitar, are the best.

The. Best.

Thank you, Jeremy. With all of my heart.

....new songs to come!

Question(s).

Does it make you pause?
Does it make you think?
Does it make you feel??
Do you come back to it later?
Do you ponder it when you're done?
Does it move you?
Does it change you?

Funny.

Joe: One thing I know, it's that '9 to 5' is never gonna work for you. Never.

me: I know it.

Joe: Of course, 9 to 10 might.

I Hate Thursdays.

Truly, I do. I try to love them. I've even tried pretending to love them. But I don't.

It is the only day of the week that I wish I had the power to fast-forward through. I know that that's awful. But it's true.

Sigh.

Also.

I'm in love with The Beautiful Girls.
Love, I say!

(the lyrics I posted the other day were by them.)

from "Learn Yourself"-

"Everybody thinks we'll fall apart.
Everybody's quick to point their fingers at what
they think is causing the problem.
And what they don't see is what they won't see my friend.

And we've all got to learn ourselves
before we can judge someone else.
And we've all got to learn ourselves
before we can judge someone else.

Just like the holy scripture talks
of a road to redemption in amongst the thorns,
The path is beset by ego and greed
and if we don't see then we won't ever be free."


There's a lot of folks I know, or know of, that are deep in the discussion of the current ills and issues of the Christian church. One intriguing traveler has differentiated between "the Church" and "the church." Which I really like. (One, because I think it is an important distinction to make, and two, because I love how the capitalization of words can entirely affect the meaning.)

Personally, I find the discussions interesting, thoughtful, genuine and honest. I admire the struggle and desire that these folks have to reconcile the tradition that they grew up in or transplanted to, with what they believe and understand in their hearts.

Many of them choose not to attend church on Sundays, but seem to be trying to live out "Church" in their daily lives. Community, family, kindred.

I think on the spectrum between Radical and Reformer, I fall strongly on the Radical side.

But, I have great Respect for the Reformers I see at work- they are very beautiful, deeply honest in their pursuit. I watch them, from a distance, curious to see what they will create with all this love and desire and pureness of heart.

Cheers, Reformers. Hope it's okay with ya'll if I sniff around, just outta sight, on the edges and outskirts. Curious and watching.

And So...

back again, to this question:

How many clothes does one girl need???

...por el amor de Dios, Mujer!!

Conversation

"Where does it all come from?"
the little brown-haired girl asks.

"Where does what come from Child?"
asks her Mother.

"Where do the words come from? And their order?
Where do the forms come from? And their colors?
From where the melody, the movement?
Where does it all flow from?"

Her Mother pauses, and replies,

"From Me, my Child, from Me."

A Place of My Own.

...if only for the weekend. :)

On a Hope and a Prayer....

....things may be changing once again!! :)

I love it.

Say a little prayer for me!

More updates when the dust settles.

Love.

Rough'n'Tough'n'All the Rest

treading water
in a sea of self-pity
while simultaneously rolling
in a sty of self-disgust

i look at my face in the mirror

and tell myself that i am strong
and tell myself to be grateful to be here
at all

hard days are a reality
it's just rough
when they hit so hard
after a night
of dancing away all thoughts of worry
healing myself with the
medicine of movement-

yesterday feels like miles away
from where i sit now
in a house that is not mine
with a friend i don't know
saying things in a voice
i don't recognize as my own

and i know it will pass
that nothing is permanent
and that i'm well on my way
on this last stretch
before the Road,

it's just that i'm not quite ready
to feel this much unrest
when there's still so much ahead
so much to do
before i go.

Just Feelin' It Today.

This day is getting older,
in fading light it's beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
and too soon I'll feel it's pull.

Still, I took all my chances,
earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well.
And I don't have the answers,
for those questions anymore.
Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
for the road is long ahead.
I'll be with you even though we're apart,
but your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, and so it goes,
and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind,

Um.

playing kitty-referee this morning
playing back conversations
in my head
i am cringing at my own heart
bleeding
on my sleeve
making a mess on the floor

forget it.
i hear myself say
just forget it.
but i'm not listening
and the words, still ringing in my ears-
that awoke me like an alarm clock
harsh and jarring
that came in without asking
that crashed into my cortex
and cracked my heart
i am reeling
somewhere between broken and not-feeling
it's one of those days
where your hands seem so far away
and i move
without thinking,
without really knowing
that i am moving at all.

and i don't have anything to say
and i can't hear your voice
over the static in my head

just don't say things without thinking
and then tell me
not to take it personally.

I'm Not As Nice As You Are.

i'm raw and jagged.
i'm unapologetic.
i'm pissed.
i'm hurt.

i have the crazed notion of picking up and going,
tonight.

you don't know how this feels
you couldn't
you won't
because I "shouldn't"

our cats are quarreling.
mine is winning.
because she's bigger
and less afraid.
she's all bushy-tailed
and wild-eyed,
unapologetic too.

Is There a Doctor in the House??

Shit. And when I say shit, I mean, Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt.

My guitar is dead. Well, not quite, but for tonight- she might as well be.

There is some intense buzzing going on and I was just playing her and the bridge started making bad sounds. Really. Bad. Sounds.

I could cry.

I think I have to take her to the guitar doctor to see what, if anything, can be done. As for now, my strings are limp and useless, nearly unwound, and my friend is in her case.

And my heart hurts. My fingers are burning with the desire to touch her and make her sing.

But I can't.

This is the worst.

"The Art of Dreaming"

"To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle."

-Carlos Castaneda

If Only You Knew

my green eyes
lick like flames
reflecting the light
of this fire that burns
in my heart-

a fire that burns
but does not destroy.

Soggy.

I've been enjoying the rain this morning so much. It feels cleansing.

Every time it rains I feel like it's a sign of where I'm at in preparation for this Journey. After all, I need to be rain-ready. :)

Things are a little soggy in my make-shift home...but the good news is Joe and I finally figured out where it's leaking from, so the situation can be remedied. And he's got a dryer. :)

The other good news is that it hasn't dampened, so to speak, my enjoyment of this beautiful weather. (Oh. god. why. Damn you, Orange! and your Puns!)

Anyway, I am grateful. For the rain and all of it.

Love.

WWWWWWWWWhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turning...

I love Fall days.
I love layering and bundling and having an excuse to walk around comfy and cozy all day.
I love cold hands wrapped around a warm drink and scarves and knit-beanies.
I love leaves turning yellow and red and falling to adorn the grey sidewalk with their brilliance.
I love the sound and the feel of them under my feet.

Winter can be rough...but Fall has a feeling that I relish. Yum. :)