Argh.

The delights of home quickly bring the weight of "responsibility." Then the upkeep begins to overwhelm- always more to do, always. With seemingly less and less time and energy with which to do it. This is the struggle. Mine, anyway.

For example, Thursday evening, Alex and I sat at the kitchen table, shootin' the shit, cracking each other up- both exhausted from a hard day's work....only Alex spent the day planting in our garden and I spent the day making coffee and food for Snooty-McSnootersons for $7/hour. What?!

Awesome. That's what I came here to do...


How do I create a life that is filled with the things that are important to me? How do I sustain that life? What to do when that which I "must" do (to sustain the lifestyle I have chosen) begins to errode, diminish, and take precedence over the very things I supposedly came here to do.


I love my house. I love my bathtub. I LOVE my plantitas and the garden that is beginning to take form.
I DON'T love coming home from work with little time and even less energy for anything else in my life.



Sometimes I feel guilty and judge myself to no end- words of people, of the culture echoing in my head...."That's what you gotta do." "Suck it up." On and on and on....

But what if I'm not happy? The work that is available to me here is heavy labor and/or long hours of meaningless, mindless work that drains me energetically, even more so than it does physically. I don't want to give my time and energy to that. I don't. I don't want to work in food service anymore--that was part of the point in coming here for me- learn skills to carry with me so that I might not have to do that.

Pictures from Mom's Visit....

My Mama came to visit me for my happy birthday....it was pretty sweet. :)

This is the door to our studio/workspace.....my Mom labled this picture "Squirrel Entrance"....because of the damned little varmint who has decided to move in. ugh.

anyone with a foolproof mode of removal??

or even a suggestion??

That's Bronson and Alex.....the loves of my Life! Also, roomies. So precious. :)

I love this one! :)

So, Mom and I go to this fancy-schmancy little boutique. The woman working there comments on my pants and points to some on the rack.... "You might like this pair, they're very similar to the ones you have on...."

Right. For a mere $75....

...I almost told her, mine were from the Free Box!! :)

Conversation

"My world is crashing down."

"Good. Now you can rebuild it."

It's like

you've become that spot
the one right in the middle of my right-eye
lens
the one that won't rub off, just smears and
shades my view even more
i can't see through you some
days
the smoke of your childhood wreckage
still so thick
and smoldering

the simplicity of beauty
is lost on me
as i wander through
your haze
dazed and wondering
how to get back to that place where i started
how to get you to walk out the door
or close it

or something.

anything.

everything is changing,
with or without our knowing it,
everything.