the Dance...

Sitting in a cute little coffee shop in Denver....I am feeling so thankful and excited to be here.

Had a wonderfully late night, caught a 5:55 am flight, and somehow made it here. 

My sweet friend picked me up at the airport and, as always, we drop in together to the space shared between souls that have known each other before.  Deep conversation, deeper laughter, as we catch up on each other's lives, a much shorter time in-between this time around.

She welcomes me into her home, and I am delighted for her, for the place she has found and made for herself in the world.  Choosing home...what a delicious, grounding, and nourishing thing to do. She is brilliant and shining.

And in her light, I catch a glimpse of my own reflected.  Of the shifts and changes and transformation that continue to unfold and blossom in me.

Coming here, I was worried that I would not be able to show up as myself, or fully, or something...

Worried that my old patterns of keeping myself small and separate would inhibit my ability to move with authenticity and relate to those around me.

So far, not so.

Thank goodness. 

Sometimes I live in fear of the snap-shut/shut-down/disappearing/disassociating act that has been a part of my life and my being.  More and more, I feel the possibility of change, the affirmation of it.  The evidence shows up unexpectedly some days.

And, I know it may still happen, that I may have some road yet to travel with this old habit/pattern.

But knowing something different creates the space for change.  

And gives me hope.

The kind of hope that helps me choose to live every day and continue on, even when the road, internally or externally, gets rough.

I came here to dance.

I came here to dance with all the places in me that are yet uninitiated.  

I came here to dance with the young woman, the girl, who left and did not look back.

I am here to dance with her, myself, she that swallowed down somebody else's stories, and so now rejects, abandons, and exiles herself.

I came here to dance with myself, my life, my body's wisdom, my memories.

I am here to dance with sadness, anger, compassion, fear, and joy.

I am here to dance and to welcome all of myself with open arms.

Choice

i am writing again and yet the page and pen are elusive friends that sometimes hide themselves and sometimes wait for my jaded eyes to open

how to adjust and re-adjust to the reality of the days I find myself in
how to hold both, all
both my accomplishments and growth, and my disappointments and failures, and all those decisions that cannot be undone

how to flow, to be willing to let go of anything at any moment for the sake of well being and balanced movement...how to transform patterns and presence
how to dance with sadness of an existential nature, that which has moved in me always, or at least as far back as i can remember
was it nurtured by my environment, or just exasperated by it? did i come in with this?  something handed down to me to deal with?

how to
choose
every
day

visiting home

the smell of fresh air
its feel on my skin,
the sound of the trees in the wind
bending
and bending back again,
the strength
of yielding
the sight of the stars
not just two or three,
but layers of starlight dancing
beyond reach
the ocean,
the river,
a fire to sit with,
kindred.