Bueno.

A day of gardening and landscaping, of mud-covered feet, safety meetings, hummingbirds and bees, birthday planning, and laughter.
Of puppy play-time, singing, sunning, and finishing a good book.
Productive. Restful. Good.
Tomorrow? More plant-lovin' and perhaps some solitude, maybe a coffee-catch up with an old friend.

Love~

You're Not the Right Alice..

You've lost your muchness, he said.

My muchness?

Yes, your muchness, in there, pointing to a place between her heart and her gut.

Excited.

Had a beautiful day yesterday.
Took a late nap and then got up and finished the novelita I've been reading. Perfect. Simple and perfect. I loved it. A story about a fierce little woman who follows her heart and finds her life in unexpected places. I absolutely fell in love with her over the course of the book. Would that I was so witty....! :)

Today I am moving slowly but deliberately....slow and steady, slow and steady. New mantra, perhaps?

I am my own.

I am no one's cornerstone.
I am my own.

Argh.

The delights of home quickly bring the weight of "responsibility." Then the upkeep begins to overwhelm- always more to do, always. With seemingly less and less time and energy with which to do it. This is the struggle. Mine, anyway.

For example, Thursday evening, Alex and I sat at the kitchen table, shootin' the shit, cracking each other up- both exhausted from a hard day's work....only Alex spent the day planting in our garden and I spent the day making coffee and food for Snooty-McSnootersons for $7/hour. What?!

Awesome. That's what I came here to do...


How do I create a life that is filled with the things that are important to me? How do I sustain that life? What to do when that which I "must" do (to sustain the lifestyle I have chosen) begins to errode, diminish, and take precedence over the very things I supposedly came here to do.


I love my house. I love my bathtub. I LOVE my plantitas and the garden that is beginning to take form.
I DON'T love coming home from work with little time and even less energy for anything else in my life.



Sometimes I feel guilty and judge myself to no end- words of people, of the culture echoing in my head...."That's what you gotta do." "Suck it up." On and on and on....

But what if I'm not happy? The work that is available to me here is heavy labor and/or long hours of meaningless, mindless work that drains me energetically, even more so than it does physically. I don't want to give my time and energy to that. I don't. I don't want to work in food service anymore--that was part of the point in coming here for me- learn skills to carry with me so that I might not have to do that.

Pictures from Mom's Visit....

My Mama came to visit me for my happy birthday....it was pretty sweet. :)

This is the door to our studio/workspace.....my Mom labled this picture "Squirrel Entrance"....because of the damned little varmint who has decided to move in. ugh.

anyone with a foolproof mode of removal??

or even a suggestion??

That's Bronson and Alex.....the loves of my Life! Also, roomies. So precious. :)

I love this one! :)

So, Mom and I go to this fancy-schmancy little boutique. The woman working there comments on my pants and points to some on the rack.... "You might like this pair, they're very similar to the ones you have on...."

Right. For a mere $75....

...I almost told her, mine were from the Free Box!! :)

Conversation

"My world is crashing down."

"Good. Now you can rebuild it."

It's like

you've become that spot
the one right in the middle of my right-eye
lens
the one that won't rub off, just smears and
shades my view even more
i can't see through you some
days
the smoke of your childhood wreckage
still so thick
and smoldering

the simplicity of beauty
is lost on me
as i wander through
your haze
dazed and wondering
how to get back to that place where i started
how to get you to walk out the door
or close it

or something.

anything.

everything is changing,
with or without our knowing it,
everything.

8 Minutes Left....

....on the computer at the library, which is my only access right now. So, quickly! :)

My life here in Taos is unfolding into something beautiful right now, I am so grateful.

I found a house with two dear ones, which not only is cute and crumbly in that Taoseno kind of way, but has every little ridiculous detail that I have drooled over, joked about, and longed for......fireplace, wood stove, sun room, bright kitchen with mexican-style tiling, yard with fruit trees and room to grow! Um, did I mention....a stand alone CLAWFOOT BATHTUB??
yes, oh yes.
I have found heaven- it is in my bathroom. with herbs, incense, oils, and silence and solitude and steaming hot water. unbelievable.

My days are finding rhythm, slowly but surely- with work and yoga and hiking and hotsprings, music and new friends and taking care of myself.

More to come, sooner than later I hope. :) To all those I love who read here, I am missing you all so very much, and would (more than) LOVE to hear from you!

Done Gone.

Hekate at the Crossroads

life's language
is full of metaphor and mystery
and if i listen closely enough to hear
life's delight in itself
can bring me to tears
on such a cold blue moon night as this

I circle spirals of protection
around myself
my sleeping brother
and all those that we love
it is the ending and beginning of a cycle
a crossroads,
of many sorts
what to let die-what to give life to
these are the questions that rock me
tonight

the smoke of my prayers rise
and i am
woman, luna, earth
i look up to see that i have
planted myself in line with Pleaides
and smile
at life's gentle teasing
and the way sometimes
we know things

i smile again when i hear
such worn familiar words
echo in my head
'you must learn to love
the questions themselves
as rilke said'
so i am finding joy
here
now
in this

and i will await the answers
the way a woman awaits her lover
from afar-
with a longing not without sweetness,
an anticipation tempered by patience,
a heart open and ready to recieve.