Y / X

I walk in circles

ever-deepening

-Intimacy-

undresses me

with the most tender of care 

and grows me

like roots in the earth

like branches toward the sky-

I am I.

She that Changes,

that confides in whispers 

with the Wind,

sharing secrets 

and planting seeds,

conspiring Beauty.

She that Writes,

words and lyrics

and movement-

spilling forth onto the page

sounding out from 

between my lips.

She that Heals,

that dances a sultry tango

with Sorrow,

and clothes herself with Joy.

Real Life.

I've been trying to write here, but every time I do, it seems the words just run circles in my head and everything begins to sound like a Hedley Lamarr quote..."My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives."

Ridiculous.

So, no blogging for me. I found myself spending obscene amounts of time on the inter-web, and have been trying to ween myself off it! Ha! Easier said than done...

I had an amazing conversation with a friend today about accepting and loving ourselves, depression, family, God and church, religion as a whole. Some interesting insights that need to stew a bit more before they can be shared.

It's funny, often in conversation with others something will be said that strikes me, often deeply, that I would like to respond to....in about a week. When I've mulled it over and really thought about it. It can make conversation awkward sometimes, or at least I feel that way, but it seems to be how I work. Oh well. :)

Love to All, Buenas Noches.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

We have always celebrated St. Patty's day in my family. When my Grandfather was alive he began the tradition of gathering and eating a meal together on this night. Since his death, our tradition has become as much about celebrating and honoring his memory as about our heritage.

My Grandmother, though Portuguese, makes the best traditional Irish pan bread and corned-beef and cabbage that I have ever eaten. Not to mention a killer Irish coffee for dessert!

I am missing my Family today and sending them much love and Luck! ;)
With All of my Heart-
Rach

From "Eurydice"...

by Sarah Ruhl.

Reading some plays (recommendations of new house-matey, Luke). This one is the story of Orpheus and Eurydice. This is Eurydice speaking, it struck a chord-

"This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful."

Murky-Schmurky!

Haha! It's time to lighten up.

Love-

Murky Water. Feeling Stuck.

I am re-reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd.

"If we don't tell our truth, who will?" -Ursula K. Le Guin

I am burning. I am itching to put into words that which has occurred in my deepest being in the last few years. I am wanting something tangible. Something I can pick up and lay down and share with other women, and men too, if they are interested.

I am frustrated. I am near pulling out my hair. Just sit down and write...Right? But it does not seem that easy to me. I don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can pin-point some sort of beginning to start from. I sense a great task before me, if I am to sit down and write my story, my narrative, my experience. I think it is in part, due to fear, that I don't begin. Fear of failure? Fear of finding myself incapable of such a task? I'm not sure.

And the very real issue of How? How do I accurately and effectively put into words such deep shifts in my soul? How can I convey so many experiences, sometimes small and seemingly insignificant, that have converged into what I (might) call my current state of spiritual affairs? It is like trying to name the unnameable, express the inexpressible.

And yet, it has been done. For example, this book that I am re-reading. Sue Monk Kidd's telling of her journey is powerful. It is encouraging and strengthening and assuring. And it is making me stare straight into the face of all I want to accomplish, all I want to share, and my own fears and inhibitions and excuses for not doing so.

Ugh.

Nocturnal, Once More.

Just finished watching "The Red Violin"....beautiful.

I am feeling contemplative
reflective
introspective
I am a silly girl
a Wise Woman
a being on a Journey
of epic proportions
and yet one of
universal experience.

I had a ceremony under the full Moon
last night
I bore the cold
that burned with a ferocity
that is rare in California
I was warmed
by the light
of this Fire
that I have found within-
and the words that came,
that spoke to me
and healed my heart-

Love encompasses All.

All suffering, all pain, all the wrongs
that we perceive as having
been done to us,
against us-

Love encompasses All things.

And so,
I am weightless
I am free
I forgive and am forgiven-
I hold no grudges
no contempt
no bitterness
within-

for "I have found the paradox,
that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no hurt,
only more love."

Only more Love.


Buenas Noches a todos.
I hope that this finds you sleeping sweetly in your beds, warm and dreaming dreams of such bliss that you will awake with a smile gracing your lips, not even knowing why.

So Much Love-

Family.

Just came across this picture. A pre-Happy Birthday song shot at my mom's 50th.
Me (damn you red-eye!), my beautiful Grandmother, Pops in the background, my ever-stunning Sister, my Mom-all dolled up!- and my crazy Uncle Chris.

HAPPY FULL MOON!

Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Feliz Luna Llena a todas mis Hermanas Lobas- Sarita, Natalie, Yuko, Khumbai, Maren, Shirley y las quien todavia no he conocido...Celebramos! Y yo celebro con todas Uds aunque estamos seperadas por distancia y tiempo. I love you and I miss you all.

Somas UNIDAS en la mirada de nuestra querida Luna y en nuestras espiritus-
Howling with you.
Raquelita

Hopeless Romantic.

I should wear a badge, or a name tag.
Maybe a medal.
It takes some courage and bravery to remain a hopeless romantic, in the midst of all this madness. It takes determination not to become jaded and to keep oneself from that darker shade of hopeless.

The lighter shade, that one when paired with "romantic"- means something else entirely. It is not despairing. More, resigned perhaps. Resigned to walk the earth hoping that somewhere out there exists a flame that burns with the same intensity as mine.

"A Friend for the end of the world."

Someone who 'gets it', who adores me, and wants to wander beside me and who in return can bathe in the pools of tenderness that within me reside.
It is a Joyful resignation, because I know that there is no choice but to keep walking and keep hoping and keep burning, living Life fully and being grateful for All.

A dear friend, an older woman, once told me in her very pragmatic and no-nonsense way, "Rachell, don't be blind. You always want what you can't have. This is your problem."

Maybe so. Maybe not. I just want what I want.
Perhaps I am too much of an Idealist when it comes to Love.

I have no fairy-tale delusions, this is not some sappy Disney movie ending that I am looking for. I am a Hopeless Romantic to be sure, but I am not a fool. It is much more truly Romantic to stick together in tough times than to live in plastic perpetual bliss.

I am young, but I have traversed the shores of Love's teaching.
I have been wind-whipped by Love's storms, and yet have risen again to Love- again and more deeply.
I have tasted what partnership can mean, and it is what I long for.
It has been in the context of relationship that I have done some of the most powerful and transformational inner-work of my Life.
If we truly Love, it cannot be otherwise.

Sigh.

My Heart speaks to me even now, as I write this, and she says, "Patience, dear one, Patience."

Ah yes, patience. A quality to be honed in all things. Something I could use a lot more of. :)
May my patience deepen,
may my soul rest,
may my silly, Romantic heart know peace-
even in the midst of her clamoring.


Paz y Amor a Todos~ So Much Love to All-

Sanadora.

the day outside is
grey
but i have hidden myself away
inside with
Vibrant colors
reds and greens and blues,
con sabor and spices-
cinnamon and chocolate
sweeten my breath
while rhythm and pulse
pour out of the speakers-

I am dancing.

I am twirling and kicking
and striking poses
of dramatic proportion-
imagining myself
salsa-tango-cumbia queen-
i am sewing and singing
i am beading and writing
poems to no one-

I am celebrating Life.
I am Healing.


Yo soy una mujer silvestre hasta la alma-
Como puedo olvidarlo?
Como puedo negarlo?
Ya no puedo! Ya no quiero! Asi Soy YO!

Hard News From Home.

Pray, meditate, levitate, send good energy, whatever it is that you do- for my Uncle, please. And for the rest of the Family.

Thanks and Love.

"La Dulce Acequia"

"Creativity is the ability to respond to all that goes on around us, to choose from the hundreds of possibilities of thought, feeling, action, and reaction and to put these together in a unique response, expression, or message that carries moment, passion, and meaning."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

I Am.

I am Woman.
I am of the Earth.
I am Body.
I am Flesh, curvaceous and supple.
I burn sage,
adorn myself with draping cloth
and sweet oils.

Within me I hold
the power of Creation-
not only of Life,
but of Life's expression
of Itself.

I cannot deny this World
because I am of it's very substance,
the holy dust beneath my feet.

And besides, I know a secret.

Shh, come near, be quiet, and I'll tell-

This World
is permeated, infused, dripping
with the spirit of the
One Who Created-

and every little thing,
a temple for
the Divine.

Still a Little Sickie.

There is nothing more comforting to me when I am sick, than to sip on lemon and honey. My mom used to make it for me every time I had a sore throat as a child.

Still so soothing. Thanks Mom.

(And yes, I am taking my Vitamin C.)

Yes, Exactly.

(The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran)

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

Momentito.

Just read some beautiful emails from people that I love,
their words warmed me through.
Listening to Jose Gonzalez' "Hand On Your Heart"-
whose words make me ache with their familiarity,
echoing my Heart on the pains of my recent past.

Life is so bitter and so sweet.
Moments when I can appreciate both are rare and beautiful.

Love to All-

"Sensing Owls"

I am falling in love with the musica of Jose Gonzalez. Especially this song. I wish I could have it playing as you read this. It is so beautiful.

I've been moving so slowly here. I am making peace with that. Sometimes I think it is needed. As long as it is incubation and not stagnation. Working towards that.

Events of Note?

Definitely had a spontaneous get-down James Brown dance party with Aurora! We danced so hard and laughed so hysterically that I got a cramp. Seriously. That is a damn good time. :)
Thanks Rora.

Today it is grey (once more)...but it is not raining! Which is nice. Gonna make a trek to find a good used book store and pick up a few titles that have been calling my name. Then perhaps to a coffee shop to sit and read and write and linger for far too long. Yum.

Picked up Women Who Run With the Wolves again, not sure why I ever put it down. Reading now about La Llorona- metaphors for the healthy creative process of Women, and how it can become polluted. Very appropriate.

Love and Paz a todos-

Chavela.

“Una mujer tiene muchas vidas que vivir. Para hacer muchas cosas y romper limites como yo he hecho, hay que ser muy mujer. Después se dirá.”

("A woman has many lives to live. In order to do so many things and break so many limits, as I’ve done, one has to be very much a woman. At the end it will be told.")



"Muy Mujer." I like that. Yo Soy that. " :)

Paloma Negra.

"Ya me canso de llorar y no amanece
Ya no sé si maldecirte o por ti rezar

Hay momentos en que quisiera mejor rajarme
Y arrancarme ya los clavos de mi penar

¿Paloma negra, paloma negra dónde, dónde andarás?

Y aunque te amo con locura ya no vuelves
Paloma negra eres la reja de un penar
Quiero ser libre vivir mi vida con quien yo quiera"

Book of Hours.

Tonight, I wear my Grandmother's cloak,
and the scarab that once adorned
my sweet Uncle's neck.
Tonight, I write for them-
and for Beau
and for all the other beautiful souls
who've gone before,
into that Great Mystery.

Tonight, Rilke accompanies me
as I enter my Sanctuary, my Cave-
as I journey ever deeper
into the caverns I contain.

"Whom should I turn to,
if not the one whose darkness
is darker than the night, the only one
who keeps vigil with no candle,
and is not afraid-
the deep one, whose being I trust,
for it breaks through the earth into trees,
and rises,
when I bow my head,
faint as fragrance
from the soil."