I'm Not As Nice As You Are.

i'm raw and jagged.
i'm unapologetic.
i'm pissed.
i'm hurt.

i have the crazed notion of picking up and going,
tonight.

you don't know how this feels
you couldn't
you won't
because I "shouldn't"

our cats are quarreling.
mine is winning.
because she's bigger
and less afraid.
she's all bushy-tailed
and wild-eyed,
unapologetic too.

Is There a Doctor in the House??

Shit. And when I say shit, I mean, Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt.

My guitar is dead. Well, not quite, but for tonight- she might as well be.

There is some intense buzzing going on and I was just playing her and the bridge started making bad sounds. Really. Bad. Sounds.

I could cry.

I think I have to take her to the guitar doctor to see what, if anything, can be done. As for now, my strings are limp and useless, nearly unwound, and my friend is in her case.

And my heart hurts. My fingers are burning with the desire to touch her and make her sing.

But I can't.

This is the worst.

"The Art of Dreaming"

"To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle."

-Carlos Castaneda

If Only You Knew

my green eyes
lick like flames
reflecting the light
of this fire that burns
in my heart-

a fire that burns
but does not destroy.

Soggy.

I've been enjoying the rain this morning so much. It feels cleansing.

Every time it rains I feel like it's a sign of where I'm at in preparation for this Journey. After all, I need to be rain-ready. :)

Things are a little soggy in my make-shift home...but the good news is Joe and I finally figured out where it's leaking from, so the situation can be remedied. And he's got a dryer. :)

The other good news is that it hasn't dampened, so to speak, my enjoyment of this beautiful weather. (Oh. god. why. Damn you, Orange! and your Puns!)

Anyway, I am grateful. For the rain and all of it.

Love.

WWWWWWWWWhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turning...

I love Fall days.
I love layering and bundling and having an excuse to walk around comfy and cozy all day.
I love cold hands wrapped around a warm drink and scarves and knit-beanies.
I love leaves turning yellow and red and falling to adorn the grey sidewalk with their brilliance.
I love the sound and the feel of them under my feet.

Winter can be rough...but Fall has a feeling that I relish. Yum. :)

Morning.

A night full of hectic, scattered dreams.

I have so many letters to write.

Transformation

"She who dares not offend cannot be honest."
- Thomas Paine

I am learning.
I am learning to be honest, to be unabashedly and unashamedly, Myself.
It is like giving birth and being born at the same time.

Ah, mi 'Chito.

My crazy-ass little brother called me tonight. Gawd, I miss 'em.
Our conversation and his laughter was exactly what I needed.

Cheers, Alex!

UNBELIEVABLE. A True Tale From The Life of Rachell.

There I was, writhing and lamenting and writing the most elegantly dramatic blog of my Life, writing about Life and why it is so terribly hard. Writing about sitting in an airless, lightless office.

And then. Edwin came in and interrupted me.

I smiled too sweetly, trying to satisfy the conversation with the mere nodding of my head and the well-timed, mm-hmm, while attempting to hold my focus and compose the next line of my post. However, I was pulled away and my focus shifted to the interaction.

Edwin left to get some soup from downstairs and who walked in but Don. One of the most magical friends I have met yet. I hadn't seen him since the last time I wrote about him on The Holy Moment. He talked to me about his trip to the Fillipines with his wife. He told me about her family there and how he had witnessed first-hand the effects a lack of clean water can have on people, on our children. He seemed to have almost skipped the outrage stage and had moved immediately into taking action from Love. He's learning about the process of purifying water, about sanitation plants, talking about petitions and letters to be written and thinking of how to contact a certain Fillipino icon to help promote taking vitamins and minerals. Brilliance. In more ways than one.

Headed towards the door, I was stopped by Vernon. Vernon is the one of the most dedicated and genuine men I have ever met. I have always admired his writing from afar, and in the brief time I have spent at the literacy program, he and I have formed a friendship of sorts. We have had discussions that have left me inspired and thinking for days afterwards.
He had gotten wind of my upcoming departure and wanted to make sure we stay in touch. He gave me his info and told me to give him a holler if I ever needed anything. The interaction was casual and almost bordered on formal, but his sincerity and the depth of his feeling was unmistakable. It touched my heart so deeply. I felt so honored by him. My response was heartfelt and I was surprised by just how much affection and respect welled up in me for this precious man.

Then it was time for the Creative Writing workshop I've been facilitating. The only learner who was able to make it tonight was Aurora. It couldn't have been more perfect. She is pure Crone-Grandmother-Wild-Woman. She walked in, embraced me, and pinned a gardenia blossom to my shirt. It's fragrance filled the room.

Aurora is Mexicana and had written her assignment about what she called her "liberty" as a woman, and more specifically a viaje to Chiapas. She began reading to me in a rich accent what she had written in a beautiful blend of english and spanish. As I listened, I watched her eyes rise from the page and she began speaking to me in more animated tones, expressing herself with her whole body. Slipping gracefully into spanish, she began telling me about her travels in Chiapas, her Adventures- the colors, the smells, the open market, the people, the food. Doing what she pleased, when she pleased.

She also spoke of los diarios, la rutina- the daily chores and routine that are a part of Life. She told me, "Todo a su tiempo." Everything in it's time. She told me of phases in her Life that were consumed by those daily duties, when she worked "como un burro." She spoke intuitively and with incredible Wisdom.
She said that there is a time for "Amar" and a time for "Amor".
She asked me about my Life and when I spoke of my great desire to travel she said,
"Ah, te encanta el movimiento."

Literally, "Movement enchants you." It was like she had shown a beam of light on my heart and spoken to something I have never found words for. The answer to the question, Why? Why can't I stay still? Why do I fall in love with so many places, so many people?
Ah yes, Movement. I am truly enchanted and enamored with Movement. With the Dance.

Aurora then told me her secret. She always keeps one day a week ( for her, Sunday) that is to be entirely and wholly hers. One day a week where she does only what her heart desires.
"And 20 minutes a day to relax!" She paused, "Do you want to relax right now?!"

Dizzy with the sweetness of gardenia and intoxicated by the magic of this Woman, I half stammered and half sighed, "Si."
She told me to close my eyes, sit however I felt most natural, and to breathe deeply. She asked me to breathe so deeply that every cell in my body would be energized and renewed. She told me to imagine a door, to see myself opening it, and walking through to the place that makes me feel the happiest, the most alive, que bien. For herself she described a garden, filled with vibrantly colored flowers- her senses overwhelmed with Beauty.

We stayed somewhere between that garden and the desert for what seemed like an eternity. I later found out that it had been, in a matter of "time"- about three minutes.
She then told me to walk back to the door and open it. She told me, "Cierra la, y ya, estamos."
"Close it, and here we are."

Previous to this moment, I had spoken of feeling weary- she now said more quietly, mas tranquila, "I wake up, I bathe myself- enjoying the warm water, the fragrance, it's delicious. To have that, una belleza, no? I put on clothes- to have clean clothes, una belleza. Un bendicion."
I was instantly humbled. Deeply so. How quickly I forget.

My eyes filled with tears of relief, gratitude, and pure joy. The flighty and fearful anxiety I had been feeling for the last couple of days, gone. She had asked me to become aware of my breath, aware of my body, and to find and open a door within myself that led me to a Sanctuary that would renew and refresh me. She had reminded me too, of how much I have to be grateful for.

In a matter of minutes, about 60 of them, she had shared her Life and the Wisdom it has taught her.

I taught her how to say "accupuncture."

Thought it was over? So did I.

I got into my truck and a live version of Bob Marley playing "Get Up, Stand Up" came on the radio. By far the most incredible recording I have heard of him yet. He jammed on the words "Don't give up the fight!" and "We won't give up the fight!" until the metal cab of my Chevy was humming with the vibration. What a Spirit that one was.

Sailing down 580, over the top at this point, the next song to come on has been one of my radio-only car ride favorites. The chorus sings,
"You got a lot of money but you can't afford the free way-"
Now, I don't know what this meant in the mind of the lyricist who wrote it, but to me, in that moment, with my struggle with "not-having" in the last few days still fresh, it was strikingly clear. Having little, living as free-ly as possible, still has it's cost. But I am grateful to pay it.

Then, Tommy called to know what time to expect me and to ask about dinner plans. He asked, "Where are you?"

My answer made my heart leap as I burst into shameless laughter- "THE FREE WAY!"

Heart overflowing, I howled the whole way home.

Today.

I have had a recent burst of writing. I am writing with more authority in my voice than I have ever heard. And it is flowing so naturally.
Pretty incredible.
I might post some of it here, right now it still feels too fresh. Hot and steaming from the oven, not yet ready to be digested. I'm gonna let it cool and decide then.

Today I am feeling worn. Worn down, worn out. Severely dragging in the energy department. I need to be paying more attention to my body and give it some TLC. Healthy food, lots of water, and a hot epsom salt bath for me. Sigh.

Tonight I'm going to hear China Galland speak. She's a writer whose work I respect greatly. She wrote The Bond Between Women: A Journey to Fierce Compassion, which I had started on my own and finished during the course of the Women's Spirituality class I took last semester.
I am hoping, with all of my heart, that it is the Breath of Inspiration that I need. That I will be moved, even to tears, and my spirit will be lifted. I'm sure it will be amazing. Really, I'm just excited to be surrounded by some powerful, dynamic Women.

As the Season Begins...

At This Time
-Margot Henderson 2004

At this time we stand
upon the earth as winter trees.
We are called on to release.
To strip our branches
and to shed our leaves.
Till we are naked
bare unto the bone
naked yet rooted
in the soil of the soul
So we know
we do not stand alone
Seeing our leaves
suffused with light
their form can no longer hold.
See them turning
red, umber, ochre, copper, gold
Till we are left reaching
our bare branches to the sky
surrendering.
only then
can the emerging buds be seen
only then can we bring light
to our unfolding dream

Rise Over Run

Perfection is always
what it needs to be,
it reveals itself
by unfolding-
and you were never more
than everything
to me

beauty exists
in the moments time missed-

and all the others in between.

Slope.

On my good days, my heart is breaking open.
On the bad days, it's just breaking.

And Love.

Love is the most elusive Mystery of them All. It transcends and transforms and teaches me more than all else combined. Love is my Teacher. To Love, is to know what it feels like to be Alive.
Not only the pleasure, the butterflies, the thrill, but also the searing, the longing, the pain. The work. Love is so much work. But if we ask ourselves to learn, to grow, to pass through the Alchemist's fire, then Love's work will be the most transformative and healing journey of our entire lives.

Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I have found this to ring true in every area of my Life. When we ask ourselves to go deeper, to Love more, we inevitably do. And I'm not saying that it's not hard. It can be excruciating at times. But we do, and we will. It is what we are here to learn.

To learn to Love.

I will be Grateful for every person, place, and situation that I encounter, for every struggle, every hardship, every moment of pure bliss. I will be Grateful to them for what they are teaching me about Love.


"Mi corazon es una estrella, Soy hija de la tierra.
Se que todo es de todo, asique todo esta vivo en mi."
~a song from the ever-widening circle around the fire

Berkeley, Yesterday

You want to learn about people? I mean really learn?
My humble suggestion--go find a busy place/street, preferably a diverse one (as I write this I am on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA).
Find yourself a comfy spot and hop a squat/sit/crouch up against a building.
You have to be below eye level and you have to be alone.
People are amazing to watch.
Try to suspend all judgment, personal preference and prejudice, and sit back and enjoy the show.
For all you Writers out there- bring a pen/cil and something to write on.
Even if you don't consider yourself a Writer- bring it anyway. You may be surprised.



"The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu


"When I dare to be powerful--to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." -Audre Lorde

INTENTIONS.

Oregon
Washington
Seattle
Vashon
trees-Forest
silence
solitude
dumpster diving
street playing for tips
Wolves!
bike riding
splashing in puddles
random conversations
knowing no one
NEW every instant
campfires
YUBA
skinny-dipping
hiking
sunning
singing
listening
the River
camping
dig a shitter
stories
writing
learn to build a fire
cook outside
scrounge
scavenge
nap
Burning Man
Desert-detox
heal
howl
dance
trip
PLAY!
ponder
pure being
Oakland
save
visit
enjoy
get ready and...
GO!

Intentions

Wrote a list last night. Felt good. I read it outloud to a friend, and then again to myself this morning. Looks like a beautiful year-or-so ahead of me....wow.

This morning I am feeling a little worn-down and weary. I'm at the tail-end of my work week.
But, I have the next few days completely OFF! Which will be amazing!

When I get to this place, I have to remember not to think about things too much or over-analyze anything, but just to rest and recharge.

Think I'll post those Intentions later...

Unreal... and yet, It's Happening!

Watch this video and then send it to everyone you know! Just click on the declaration of Hope below....


Yes We Can!

The Sound of Hope.

As I write this, there is a glorious chorus of car horns, shouts, yells, hoots, and hollas outside on the street. My love and I are celebrating with Brut and unabashed grins. There are people walking down the street shouting, "Yes we can!" There are perfect strangers, with skin of all shades, united in their utter joy on the streets of Oakland tonight.
I can tell you one thing, I have never felt so safe walking alone at night in Oakland. Nobody's pissed off tonight. And if they are, they sure as hell don't live here.

I saw a couple on the street, met their eyes in passing, and we shared a look and a smile that said it all. No words necessary. While circling for a park spot, there was a group of young-ish black men walking down Jackson, spotting them and sensing their elation, I honked and they all burst into yells and we, in that moment, knew each other. Celebrated together. There is an overwhelming feeling of unity, of community, and of a knowing that Change Is Come.

I will not in any way diminish what Obama's victory means for the black community. In fact, I think we are gonna see some major transformation- in all of us, really. The whole country. People in their lifetimes, have seen this country from the Jim Crow laws through to this night. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was nearly sobbing.
What I will say, however, is that I think it is bigger than that. This is truly monumental. Not only for America, but for the whole world. My mom's sister called from Greece to congratulate us on electing Barack Obama, on behalf of the world. Seriously.

The single, most powerful effect of this election, is that record numbers of voters registered and voted, especially young people. And with Obama's win, people have a tangible proof that their voices matter and will be heard. That alone will revolutionize Democracy in America. Change Is Come.

Cheers. And Congratulations to us all. A new day is dawning in this country and in the world.
I can say, for what may be the first time in my entire life, that tonight, I am proud to be an American.

Here She Is...the beginnings.

First day with the camper shell...


Envisioning the possibilities...


The initial move-in...still in process of getting it just right.

Drying Out.

Well, with the latest downpour it was discovered, that despite our best efforts, my truck was not yet rain-ready. So today is being spent working to remedy that situation. Joe and I are applying all sort of "weather-proofing" tapes and glues and sealant. We shall see.

As for me, I have realized that I still have too much stuff. And when I say stuff, I mean mostly clothes. What can I say? I love clothes. They're like my palette. And dressing, an art form.
...Or maybe I'm just materialistic. I like to think it's a little of both, and I'm working on the latter!

Clothes are in the dryer, books are out by the heat of the floor vent, and inside, I am laughing. On Saturday, I was freaking out. I mean, truly, freaking the eff out. And now? It's just clothes, just books, and they are drying in preparation for test-run 2. No biggie. A little funny, actually.

And very fun. :)

Life is an adventure. Nothing is a set-back...only a change of course, a necessary re-working or re-thinking. An opportunity to hone resiliency and creativity and on-your-feet instincts and action.

I am learning. And hopefully those freak-out moments will happen less and less and I will meet each new challenge with confidence, faith, and the energy needed to move through it!

(More joy, less worry.)

Love to all-