It's True.

I.


Love.


Words.

"Let's face it- I'm pooped!"

Yes. Yes, I did just reference Blazing Saddles.

Man, whatta day. Phew. Thursday, my work-all-day day.

It was still pretty magical though. :) I had some time to myself while my client was in class, so I kicked off my sandals and walked around campus. Met this kid named Juan, who was playing his guitar on a bench. He invited me to draw with some chalk that he had. So I did. Random.
We talked for awhile and I asked him what he wanted to do in Life- he told me, "I want to be a Muse. That's it. Not much money in it though..."
He made me laugh and smile. I love idealism and exuberance and enthusiasm for Life- especially when so pure. Funny guy. It was a nice encounter.

I've been running into some characters of late. True characters. Ha. I love it. I think it's one of my favorite things.

I have a couple of hours to myself before my next shift starts, (this day's not through with me yet!) so I am sipping a glass of wine, feet up, posting this, and then planting my face in some hot food. Yum.

I have a song coming. I can feel it. It always rumbles in my chest and tingles in my fingers before I can actually sit down and write it. If anyone has any acoustic guitar suggestions, email me. My sweet friend did in fact, die. I took her in to a repair shop and the guy told me that one of the brackets inside had broken, down by the bridge, and it would cost more to fix than was worth it. Sigh.

That's okay. New start, new travels, new guitar. Sounds good. :)

Sending so much Love to All-

Impossible!

This morning I woke up with a random song from my childhood in my head.
I all but burst from my room singing it-

"But the world is full of zanies and fools
Who don't believe in sensible rules-
And won't believe what sensible people say.
And because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes
keep building up impossible hopes,
Impossible things are happening every day!"


Call me daft and dewey-eyed today. I'm packing and preparing to the Sound of Music soundtrack. And I'm not ashamed to admit it! Ha!

Sometimes I think we need to be silly and dreamy and dance around the house singing songs about impossible dreams and favorite things and do-re-mi, dammit!

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm naive, ridiculous, a child. Sometimes, it's what is called for.

I do suggest spontaneous dancing for lifting the spirit. :) Throw in a twirl or two.

Love and Silliness-

Broken Thoughts.

I am the Keeper of the Fire that burns in me.

I am filled with unspoken resignation. A cresent sliver of hope.

I need to be in a Meeting, soon.

Recuerdos.

I was thinking about Questions.
Questions I would love to ask people, for fun. (Why I was thinking about such things at this hour on a Saturday night, Dios only knows.)
One Question I thought of was- What was your favorite place as a child? Not like "Disneyland" or "My grandma's house" or something, but the kind of places that only Children discover.

And I had a really odd, really obscur memory come to me.

It was of a small room in a big house in Lafayette that my mom and her friend would house-sit for during the summers. It was a magical place for children. Giant oak trees, a rose garden, a pool, a piano, and many rooms to explore, each with their own stories and daydreams. My sister and I would look forward to those two weeks of house-sitting more than any other summer plans. It must have been from when I was about 8 to about 10 or 11.

The memory was this- of a small room with an alcove. It was lit only by the rays of the afternoon sun that streamed lazily through the window, illuminating the dust particles and making them dance. The window was angled to create the space for a bench seat that you had to climb up on. It had a maroon velvet cushion. I would sit there for hours in the warmth of the sun, reading, drawing, staring out at the wild garden and trees. Next to this perch, facing the room, was a baby grand piano. Black and shiny and perfect. The piano bench was within the reach of the sun's rays- they shone in on you and warmed your back and neck as you played. I would sit and dabble at that piano, stumbling through little songs someone had shown me, making some up. It didn't matter to me that I didn't really know how to play anything, I just loved touching the keys and feeling their weight.

Of course, I spent much of those two weeks running around outside barefoot and half-naked, dirty and estatic. The kids all played together and we swam and climbed trees multiple times a day. But I have vivid memories of that room and going there alone. Of sneaking away from the games. I loved it there. It was pure Magic.


Wow. What was your favorite place? Think about it.

Prayer.

Speak to me
in words I can understand.

Reveal to me
the heart of all things.

Hold me, gently, tonight.

You See, Here's the Thing...

I'm awkward. And sometimes shy.

I'm not very good at chit-chat or chatter or the polite conversations that we sometimes have to have.
I look into places where I am sometimes not invited and can tend toward intensity and glare innocently and with great curiosity in (too deeply?) to those around me.

My eyes are light sensitive, my heart is "too" sensitive, and I cry all the time.

Now that I've told you all the reasons not to love me and displayed on high all my deep insecurity-

Hi.

(Contented) Sigh.

I have had a great day.

I finished my book this morning, wrote for a bit, and indulged in a long shower. (Sorry, California.)
As I was about to head out on my mission for dog food, my buddy Jeremy called and we ended up spending a few sweet hours together. Good conversation, good food...AND i got out of a parking ticket. (Thank you, Kind parking-ticket Lady!)
Headed back home and tossed around a ball with my faithful, four-legged Regalito. (I have never known such adoration.)
After that I watched one of the Planet Earth documentaries. (Borrowed from said Jeremy.)

It was about the Jungle. It was INCREDIBLE. They had sped up footage of a seed sprouting up through the earth on the forest floor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Literally, pushing through the ground and being birthed into the world. Breathtaking. (Yes. I'm a dork. And I don't care.) I love Nature.

Sigh. Now a creative evening lies ahead of me- writing, playing, singing- yum.

There are days when I laze like I did today, and I feel guilty for it. Like I should be doing something, getting something done. Those days are wasted- I'm taking it slow but I'm not enjoying it and I'm not doing anything that nourishes my soul.

But Today, no guilt, only pleasure and enjoyment and laughter and fun. Yes! Phew. I needed it.

So much Love to All-

This Morning.

An Irish coffee and a smoke.
A good book.
My notebook and a pen.
Allowing myself to wander about the house, doing as I please, not doing much at all.

My heart feels quiet, resting, peaceful. A nice change. And I am grateful.

Hope it's Beautiful one for All- Disfrutalo!

Love.

The Clincher.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

This book is full of beauty and yet, heart-wrenching. It's by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist, which is one of my favorite books of all time. I was in a used bookstore in Berkeley, not looking for anything inparticular, when I saw this book by him. Thought I would see what else he had to say-

"I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear-- it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering-- just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture."

"The universe always helps us to fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. Our dreams are our own, and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive."

"I also knew that from this moment on I was going to experience heaven and hell, joy and pain, dreams and hopelessness; that I would no longer be capable of containing the winds that blew from the hidden corners of my soul. I knew that from this moment on love would be my guide-- and that it had waited to lead me ever since childhood, when I had felt love for the first time."

"I closed my eyes and let the music flow through me, cleansing my soul of all fear and sin and reminding me that I am always better than I think and stronger than I believe."

Ponderings.

So often, I find myself wound tightly, worried about my "Do-ing List" (note: not 'To Do' but 'Doing'!) overwhelmed by all the possibilities and decisions that need to be made. I'm not sure how it happens, but it's like a coil that slowly winds tighter and tighter over days, maybe weeks, until one day I sit down and my chest is tight and my head aches. Not good.

In the process of preparing for the Road, and really, reconfiguring my Life- re-prioritizing, re-evaluating, and sorting through the all the little messes, I have gone through this numerous times. When I reach that point, when that coil is about ready to spring- I have to find a way to unwind myself, to breathe, relax, and Remember.

Today I am wondering how many more times I am going to put myself through this.

I think what is needed is the awareness and intention to live more mindfully- not spinning until I'm so dizzy I nearly fall over before taking much needed respite- but actually listening to myself each day, taking stock, and asking myself what is needed. Rest? Work? Play?
Obviously, in this grown-up world, I have to be mindful of my commitments, obligations, and deadlines. But with the time that is mine, I need to be much more aware of how I spend it. I need to be good to myself, too.

And to Remember. Remember that yo soy una florecita preciosa and that I am blooming- petals unfolding gently, nurtured, coaxed, and encouraged by a loving hand. That this Great Mystery is always moving, always dancing, always changing, and always Joyous.

Wow.

"...and that as the world grows smaller our common humanity shall reveal itself."

-President Barack Obama

The Day We've All Been Waiting For...

I rolled out of bed, staggered my way, zombie-like, to the shower with half-closed eyes, not fully awake.

When I came out of my room the news was on. It was only then that I realized what day it was.

Holy shit.

In a few short hours we will be fully rid of the Bush administration. We will have a new President, with a new perspective, ideas, ideals. I have many thoughts on this fine morning. And I do try to have as much compassion as humanly possible when talking about others, even Bush. But on this morning, I fear I must put that aside for one moment and express what I am feeling unfiltered and uninhibited....

IT"S OVER SUCKAS!!! Ahhhahahaha!! GET OUT!
(*to be accompanied by slightly maniacal laughter and a dancing jig of glee.)

Whoooohooooo! Cheers!

Writing.

It's like
bubbling
right below the surface.
It's like
the wind howling
through the cracks and the fissures
in the marrow
of my bones.
It's like
brimming
and brimming
and never quite
overflowing.
It's like
a hundred thousand
words
caught in my throat.
It's like
the beating of the bird's heart
against it's ribcage
in it's breast,
as the door to it's cage
unlatches.

I
have
stories
to
write.

I
have
Wisdom
to
share.

I have so much Beauty
pent up
inside me
that
my pen
demands
the page.


And I've decided
Something.

I've decided to get the hell out of my way.

Day of Rest.

And....I'm back. What a week. I can hardly begin to write about everything I experienced in the last week. It was hard and beautiful. I will share more as it comes, after I've sat with it for awhile.

One thing I will say is that I am eternally grateful for such things:

-Running, hot water. Especially when coming from a shower head. This is a privilege and a gift to be Thankful for. Truly.

-Friendships that transform and grow with time. Friendships that can withstand the many storms and changes of Life. Jenelle, much love to you my Friend.

-Prayer.

-Family, in all of it forms.

-For Welcome Home's and puppy dog kisses.


A short poem writtten on the Road late last night...


The sound of the Road
beneath the tires
and the Wind rushing by,
like a lullaby.
I close my eyes
and Rest,
with my sweet friend
at the wheel.

We've spent the day
singing silly songs
in ridiculous voices,
car dancing,
and waving at strangers
passing by.

And I am amazed
and ever grateful-
for the blessings and surprises
for the hardships and the trials
for Life
and the fullness of Glory
to be found
in each Moment.


So much Love to All-
Raquelita.

Esperando....Waiting. Hoping.

My heart is full of such aching tonight. I am packing and preparing for the drive ahead of me tomorrow. I am so worried for my Sister and for my family there. I feel helpless to help them. I hope my presence is enough- it's all I have to give, it's all that I can do.

My communication skills tonight are squat. To those I've interacted with, or who have had to interact with me- I apologize, profusely.

I have to leave my pup behind (or else he faces a three week quarantine to get back into the country) which also hurts my heart. How quickly we've become fast friends. He has saved me as much as I have him.

Please pray for me- strength, comfort, courage, and a deep well of compassion and tenderness to give from. I get so angry and indignant and outraged at the relations/situation on the border. The pain and suffering caused by such an insurmountable obstacle- that separates families and loved ones and limits the possibilities and opportunities of so many people. It cuts me to the core.

I believe that Strength comes as we need it- and truly I have been amazed at myself and the resiliency that has shown itself in these last few weeks. But tonight, I feel weak and helpless. Overwhelmed.

It is hardest to Trust in times such as these- in the dark, with so much unknown. But I am trying.

Mi Dios,
oye mi oracion.
Te pido, con toda mi fuerza, con cada fibra de mi ser-
que se cuida a mi familia y a mi hermana.
Que los proteja, que los comforta, y que todo sale bien.
Te doy gracias por esta Vida tan preciosa.
Te amo.

More Pictures.

I was thinking about the last time I was in Mexicali....

A sunset on La Frontera, the protest, the squat in Mexicali, toda la Familia, and sisters- all decked out for the Quincenera.

That was a beautiful time. Such a wide range of experiences, all in one viaje.

It's been too long between phone calls and visits.

I Left My Heart...

...In Mexicali. I'm headed there, unexpectedly, next week. Because there are some things in Life that we have to show up for, and this is one. For those of the praying persuasion, please pray with all you've got for my sister, Lupita.

A Girl and her Dog.

Of Late.

the stains
my bleeding heart
has poured out on the floor
have become my palette.
so now
I paint in ochre
and umber
brilliant vermillion
and the deepest scarlet

I paint with the brushstrokes
of all my Sorrow-
I paint upon the page
my very Heart
breaking open.

I Am Alive.

I am full of such sensation, such feeling, such emotion.
The raw, fiery power of Creation, Herself.

I Am Kali.
I Am Hekate.
I Am Owl, Wolf, Maiden, Mother, Crone.

I Am I. She That Is.

I have borne that pain
which I thought unbearable.
My greatest fears have come to pass,
and yet, I Am still here.

I Am breathing.
I Am pulsing.
I Am living.
I Am singing and howling and teasing.
I Am crying and shaking and healing.

I Am She Who Cried Wolf
with ALL HER MIGHT.

She who left the flock-
for the Night,
for the trees,
and the unfenced Wilderness
of my own Soul.

Hearts don't belong behind padlocked gates,
or fenced areas that will keep you "safe"-

Remember the young boy who
sold his sheep
in search of his Dream?
I Am he.

Poetry.

"In the name of..."


This guy's got it figured out.


I feel this one.

This Is Going To Be A Good Year.

I can feel it. And I am hope-full.
All the shit we've endured, all the struggles, the transitions, the changes of the past year- behind us. All the invaluable and precious lessons we learned from them- seeds within us.

They will need to be nurtured and grow strong in the coming months ahead- because Life always asks us to show what we've learned. And all those seeds will be asked to Bloom. And whatever you learned will be called upon, that new strength mustered, and you will be asked to become and Live your new understanding.

I'm excited.

This is going to be a really good year.
I have Surrendered.
I am learning to Surrender, more and more each day.
I am thankful, on this the first day of (the year known as) 2009.
I am thankful for Life. I am thankful to be Alive.
I am thankful for every moment of my Life, past and Present.

For each breath given, for every note I sing, for every tear and every smile.

Dadora de La Vida-
y La que Quitala,

Te doy Gracias. Muchisimas Gracias por todo que me has dado. Por cada momento.

Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!