Wow.

Just read back over the entirety of "The Holy Moment"- a large portion of my writing over the past 3 years or so. I started at the very beginning and read through to the most recent. pretty incredible.

What a Beautiful Journey I have been on. So many beautiful places, people, experiences, and lessons. I could hear my voice more clearly too, for some reason, on this read-through. Exciting.

Writing is something that I love. That I want to always be a part of my Life.

Going to spend this next week or so, focusing more on preparation for the Road ahead. I am truly looking forward to it. That and spending some more time with Joe. :)

May you all have a blessed week. May you cherish the last few days of this year and reflect on what it has been, what it has brought and taught you. May you spend some time thinking about the year to come- your hopes, dreams, and intentions.

Love to All-

Reinaldo Arenas

I just watched "Before Night Falls," a movie about the life and writing of Reinaldo Arenas. I highly recommend this movie. What a beautiful man and artist. I'm starting his memoir by the same title.

Also, I just saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I was a bit skeptical, due to it's cast including the obscenely famous Brad Pitt, but truly, it is beautiful. I feel as though I haven't fully digested it yet, and may need to take myself to see it again. :)

The premise is that a baby is born with a rare disease- he is born old. He is born with all the ailments of age, and yet as he gets older, he grows younger, and dies an infant. The metaphors and ideas expressed and insinuated are too much for me to write about just yet. I think one more viewing and then...

Have had a head-shift of late. A good thing. My upcoming travels are beckoning and asking for my attention.

I finished my year at the Literacy program. An accomplishment with many repercussions and reverberations, one of them being I have found myself with more time on my hands. This coming week especially.

I am grateful. Grateful to have time off for the beginning of the new year- time to contemplate, take stock, prepare. I hope to spend a lot of time in my truck- fixing her up, getting her ready, packing, sorting, getting rid of that which I really don't need. And writing. Much writing.

Tonight, I am drinking honey beer (yum), listening to The Be Good Tanyas, and reading and writing. I am hopeful, anticipatory, quietly excited.

I am both looking forward to what is to come and enjoying exactly where I find myself to be.

Gracias a Dios.

PAINTING.

images and visions are surfacing
faster than my brush can move
across the canvas.
i
am
revelling
in
it.

A Post from 2005...Wow.

A Dancing Heart.

I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!...

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

As the worries, excitements, joys, sorrows, pain, and elation wash over me i sit very still. I can feel their movements around me, surrounding me, in me, through me. I grope for nothing, grasp nothing in my hands or heart. I honor each emotion simply because it is. I do not force, i do not resist. Breathe, breathe. i can feel some rhythm arising in me. It is quiet and steady, constant, welcoming, and warm.
My heart is dancing. She is free. Because she knows what my head cannot, will not:
Life is full. Beauty is the simultaneous existence of the greatest sorrow and deepest joy. To live mindfully is divinity manifested.
I've been searching for home, i have found it to be an elusive ideal, trying so hard to track it down. I've had this inner struggle, is home something we create by being? Arranging things, situations and people around us in such a way? Or Is it something we have to cultivate within ourselves?

My heart smiles, she's been waiting patiently for me to catch up. Curvacious and supple, i watch her naked silhouette as she leaps up to show me the way. She knows where home is: i watch her, she's running ahead of me, looking back to see if i'm following, to see if i am captivated. I am, and i watch as she slows her run to a walk, and with deliberate movement, confident and graceful, she steps in and curls up to the space where the very breath of God breathes in me.
She snuggles in close, like a child in wonder, in adoration. Like a lover, fully known, vulnerable, real and purely her Self. In the holy moment, she has lost herself, almost forgotten i was there- following behind, waiting. When she senses my presence, she opens her eyes slowly and looks at me warmly. She doesn't say a word, but the warmth and depth hidden in her large green eyes invites me in and says, "Didn't you know? The Divine One dwells within you- you are God's Creativity, her Compassion, his True Expression- our Beloved will never leave you- for he cannot! She is intricately woven into every fiber of your being."

Rest, dear heart, you are home.

Ay, de mi Sarita.

One of my favorite things in the whole world is long-distance phone conversations with friends in faraway places.

Unfathomable distances apart, somehow in one moment you are reunited, one again. There are those with whom I share, and then there are those with whom I share the entirety of my being, and Sarita is del segundo.

I miss my friend.

Madre, te doy gracias por amigos como asi. Dos cuerpos con la misma espiritu.
Somas muchas, somas una.

Eres una hermana mia, amigita. Te adoro y te quiero mucho. Gracias a ti.

Death.

"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
then shall you truly dance."

-Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Life-Death-Life.

My heart is aching. My Grandmother-Friend, Joanne, passed away this weekend.

I find myself crying off and on, throughout the day. Grief has always been this way with me, washing over me in waves. Her death, resounds in my heart, reverberates somewhere between flesh and soul, though I find myself still standing. My foundations have not crumbled at their core. I find myself crying more in wonder and awe at her life, at the breadth and width and depth of this human experience. What a Woman. What a Life she lived.

Well over a year ago, Joanne gave me some of her writing. A most precious gift. I spent the day yesterday at Dia de Los Muertos, my favorite cafe in Oakland, reading over what she had shared with me. It felt appropriate and honoring to do so there among las calaveras, La Muerte, y las flores, with the rain falling steadily outside.

The aching is deep. And though there are searing moments, even deeper is my gratitude for having known her.

As we head into Winter, I am reminded that Death is a part of Life, and a necessary part of the Cycle. I find myself looking forward to the dying to come in the next few months. The discerning, the sorting, the leaving, the taking, the giving of Life to that which I long to see grow, and the giving of Death to that which no longer serves anyone.

I have a feeling that this Winter will be hard. Hard and wet and cold and soggy.
But I'm not afraid. I look forward to it's challenges and the transformation to come.

Mourning Morning.

Salman Rushdie

"For a long while I believed that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging. Who came into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family, or location, or nation, or race. That there may even be millions or billions of such souls, as many Non Belong-ers as Belong-ers, perhaps. That in some the phenomenon may be as natural a manifestation of human nature as it's opposite. But one that has been mostly frustrated throughout human history by lack of opportunity.

And not only by that. For those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change- have erected a power system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive anti-social force. So that we mostly conform. We pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel. We hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities that bear the Belong-er's seal of approval.

But the truth leaks out in our dreams."

A Little Hungover....from all the Fun, of course

What a great night!
We had a gathering for my Mom's 50th birthday last night! She decided for her 50th, to throw a cocktail party. :) Friends, old and new, family, a million appetizers and much merriment. Everyone looked incredible with good times had by all.

Pictures to come!

God, Yes.

Friends that are willing to lend you their guitar, are the best.

The. Best.

Thank you, Jeremy. With all of my heart.

....new songs to come!

Question(s).

Does it make you pause?
Does it make you think?
Does it make you feel??
Do you come back to it later?
Do you ponder it when you're done?
Does it move you?
Does it change you?

Funny.

Joe: One thing I know, it's that '9 to 5' is never gonna work for you. Never.

me: I know it.

Joe: Of course, 9 to 10 might.

I Hate Thursdays.

Truly, I do. I try to love them. I've even tried pretending to love them. But I don't.

It is the only day of the week that I wish I had the power to fast-forward through. I know that that's awful. But it's true.

Sigh.

Also.

I'm in love with The Beautiful Girls.
Love, I say!

(the lyrics I posted the other day were by them.)

from "Learn Yourself"-

"Everybody thinks we'll fall apart.
Everybody's quick to point their fingers at what
they think is causing the problem.
And what they don't see is what they won't see my friend.

And we've all got to learn ourselves
before we can judge someone else.
And we've all got to learn ourselves
before we can judge someone else.

Just like the holy scripture talks
of a road to redemption in amongst the thorns,
The path is beset by ego and greed
and if we don't see then we won't ever be free."


There's a lot of folks I know, or know of, that are deep in the discussion of the current ills and issues of the Christian church. One intriguing traveler has differentiated between "the Church" and "the church." Which I really like. (One, because I think it is an important distinction to make, and two, because I love how the capitalization of words can entirely affect the meaning.)

Personally, I find the discussions interesting, thoughtful, genuine and honest. I admire the struggle and desire that these folks have to reconcile the tradition that they grew up in or transplanted to, with what they believe and understand in their hearts.

Many of them choose not to attend church on Sundays, but seem to be trying to live out "Church" in their daily lives. Community, family, kindred.

I think on the spectrum between Radical and Reformer, I fall strongly on the Radical side.

But, I have great Respect for the Reformers I see at work- they are very beautiful, deeply honest in their pursuit. I watch them, from a distance, curious to see what they will create with all this love and desire and pureness of heart.

Cheers, Reformers. Hope it's okay with ya'll if I sniff around, just outta sight, on the edges and outskirts. Curious and watching.

And So...

back again, to this question:

How many clothes does one girl need???

...por el amor de Dios, Mujer!!

Conversation

"Where does it all come from?"
the little brown-haired girl asks.

"Where does what come from Child?"
asks her Mother.

"Where do the words come from? And their order?
Where do the forms come from? And their colors?
From where the melody, the movement?
Where does it all flow from?"

Her Mother pauses, and replies,

"From Me, my Child, from Me."

A Place of My Own.

...if only for the weekend. :)

On a Hope and a Prayer....

....things may be changing once again!! :)

I love it.

Say a little prayer for me!

More updates when the dust settles.

Love.

Rough'n'Tough'n'All the Rest

treading water
in a sea of self-pity
while simultaneously rolling
in a sty of self-disgust

i look at my face in the mirror

and tell myself that i am strong
and tell myself to be grateful to be here
at all

hard days are a reality
it's just rough
when they hit so hard
after a night
of dancing away all thoughts of worry
healing myself with the
medicine of movement-

yesterday feels like miles away
from where i sit now
in a house that is not mine
with a friend i don't know
saying things in a voice
i don't recognize as my own

and i know it will pass
that nothing is permanent
and that i'm well on my way
on this last stretch
before the Road,

it's just that i'm not quite ready
to feel this much unrest
when there's still so much ahead
so much to do
before i go.

Just Feelin' It Today.

This day is getting older,
in fading light it's beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
and too soon I'll feel it's pull.

Still, I took all my chances,
earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well.
And I don't have the answers,
for those questions anymore.
Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
for the road is long ahead.
I'll be with you even though we're apart,
but your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, and so it goes,
and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind,

Um.

playing kitty-referee this morning
playing back conversations
in my head
i am cringing at my own heart
bleeding
on my sleeve
making a mess on the floor

forget it.
i hear myself say
just forget it.
but i'm not listening
and the words, still ringing in my ears-
that awoke me like an alarm clock
harsh and jarring
that came in without asking
that crashed into my cortex
and cracked my heart
i am reeling
somewhere between broken and not-feeling
it's one of those days
where your hands seem so far away
and i move
without thinking,
without really knowing
that i am moving at all.

and i don't have anything to say
and i can't hear your voice
over the static in my head

just don't say things without thinking
and then tell me
not to take it personally.

I'm Not As Nice As You Are.

i'm raw and jagged.
i'm unapologetic.
i'm pissed.
i'm hurt.

i have the crazed notion of picking up and going,
tonight.

you don't know how this feels
you couldn't
you won't
because I "shouldn't"

our cats are quarreling.
mine is winning.
because she's bigger
and less afraid.
she's all bushy-tailed
and wild-eyed,
unapologetic too.

Is There a Doctor in the House??

Shit. And when I say shit, I mean, Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt.

My guitar is dead. Well, not quite, but for tonight- she might as well be.

There is some intense buzzing going on and I was just playing her and the bridge started making bad sounds. Really. Bad. Sounds.

I could cry.

I think I have to take her to the guitar doctor to see what, if anything, can be done. As for now, my strings are limp and useless, nearly unwound, and my friend is in her case.

And my heart hurts. My fingers are burning with the desire to touch her and make her sing.

But I can't.

This is the worst.

"The Art of Dreaming"

"To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle."

-Carlos Castaneda

If Only You Knew

my green eyes
lick like flames
reflecting the light
of this fire that burns
in my heart-

a fire that burns
but does not destroy.

Soggy.

I've been enjoying the rain this morning so much. It feels cleansing.

Every time it rains I feel like it's a sign of where I'm at in preparation for this Journey. After all, I need to be rain-ready. :)

Things are a little soggy in my make-shift home...but the good news is Joe and I finally figured out where it's leaking from, so the situation can be remedied. And he's got a dryer. :)

The other good news is that it hasn't dampened, so to speak, my enjoyment of this beautiful weather. (Oh. god. why. Damn you, Orange! and your Puns!)

Anyway, I am grateful. For the rain and all of it.

Love.

WWWWWWWWWhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turning...

I love Fall days.
I love layering and bundling and having an excuse to walk around comfy and cozy all day.
I love cold hands wrapped around a warm drink and scarves and knit-beanies.
I love leaves turning yellow and red and falling to adorn the grey sidewalk with their brilliance.
I love the sound and the feel of them under my feet.

Winter can be rough...but Fall has a feeling that I relish. Yum. :)

Morning.

A night full of hectic, scattered dreams.

I have so many letters to write.

Transformation

"She who dares not offend cannot be honest."
- Thomas Paine

I am learning.
I am learning to be honest, to be unabashedly and unashamedly, Myself.
It is like giving birth and being born at the same time.

Ah, mi 'Chito.

My crazy-ass little brother called me tonight. Gawd, I miss 'em.
Our conversation and his laughter was exactly what I needed.

Cheers, Alex!

UNBELIEVABLE. A True Tale From The Life of Rachell.

There I was, writhing and lamenting and writing the most elegantly dramatic blog of my Life, writing about Life and why it is so terribly hard. Writing about sitting in an airless, lightless office.

And then. Edwin came in and interrupted me.

I smiled too sweetly, trying to satisfy the conversation with the mere nodding of my head and the well-timed, mm-hmm, while attempting to hold my focus and compose the next line of my post. However, I was pulled away and my focus shifted to the interaction.

Edwin left to get some soup from downstairs and who walked in but Don. One of the most magical friends I have met yet. I hadn't seen him since the last time I wrote about him on The Holy Moment. He talked to me about his trip to the Fillipines with his wife. He told me about her family there and how he had witnessed first-hand the effects a lack of clean water can have on people, on our children. He seemed to have almost skipped the outrage stage and had moved immediately into taking action from Love. He's learning about the process of purifying water, about sanitation plants, talking about petitions and letters to be written and thinking of how to contact a certain Fillipino icon to help promote taking vitamins and minerals. Brilliance. In more ways than one.

Headed towards the door, I was stopped by Vernon. Vernon is the one of the most dedicated and genuine men I have ever met. I have always admired his writing from afar, and in the brief time I have spent at the literacy program, he and I have formed a friendship of sorts. We have had discussions that have left me inspired and thinking for days afterwards.
He had gotten wind of my upcoming departure and wanted to make sure we stay in touch. He gave me his info and told me to give him a holler if I ever needed anything. The interaction was casual and almost bordered on formal, but his sincerity and the depth of his feeling was unmistakable. It touched my heart so deeply. I felt so honored by him. My response was heartfelt and I was surprised by just how much affection and respect welled up in me for this precious man.

Then it was time for the Creative Writing workshop I've been facilitating. The only learner who was able to make it tonight was Aurora. It couldn't have been more perfect. She is pure Crone-Grandmother-Wild-Woman. She walked in, embraced me, and pinned a gardenia blossom to my shirt. It's fragrance filled the room.

Aurora is Mexicana and had written her assignment about what she called her "liberty" as a woman, and more specifically a viaje to Chiapas. She began reading to me in a rich accent what she had written in a beautiful blend of english and spanish. As I listened, I watched her eyes rise from the page and she began speaking to me in more animated tones, expressing herself with her whole body. Slipping gracefully into spanish, she began telling me about her travels in Chiapas, her Adventures- the colors, the smells, the open market, the people, the food. Doing what she pleased, when she pleased.

She also spoke of los diarios, la rutina- the daily chores and routine that are a part of Life. She told me, "Todo a su tiempo." Everything in it's time. She told me of phases in her Life that were consumed by those daily duties, when she worked "como un burro." She spoke intuitively and with incredible Wisdom.
She said that there is a time for "Amar" and a time for "Amor".
She asked me about my Life and when I spoke of my great desire to travel she said,
"Ah, te encanta el movimiento."

Literally, "Movement enchants you." It was like she had shown a beam of light on my heart and spoken to something I have never found words for. The answer to the question, Why? Why can't I stay still? Why do I fall in love with so many places, so many people?
Ah yes, Movement. I am truly enchanted and enamored with Movement. With the Dance.

Aurora then told me her secret. She always keeps one day a week ( for her, Sunday) that is to be entirely and wholly hers. One day a week where she does only what her heart desires.
"And 20 minutes a day to relax!" She paused, "Do you want to relax right now?!"

Dizzy with the sweetness of gardenia and intoxicated by the magic of this Woman, I half stammered and half sighed, "Si."
She told me to close my eyes, sit however I felt most natural, and to breathe deeply. She asked me to breathe so deeply that every cell in my body would be energized and renewed. She told me to imagine a door, to see myself opening it, and walking through to the place that makes me feel the happiest, the most alive, que bien. For herself she described a garden, filled with vibrantly colored flowers- her senses overwhelmed with Beauty.

We stayed somewhere between that garden and the desert for what seemed like an eternity. I later found out that it had been, in a matter of "time"- about three minutes.
She then told me to walk back to the door and open it. She told me, "Cierra la, y ya, estamos."
"Close it, and here we are."

Previous to this moment, I had spoken of feeling weary- she now said more quietly, mas tranquila, "I wake up, I bathe myself- enjoying the warm water, the fragrance, it's delicious. To have that, una belleza, no? I put on clothes- to have clean clothes, una belleza. Un bendicion."
I was instantly humbled. Deeply so. How quickly I forget.

My eyes filled with tears of relief, gratitude, and pure joy. The flighty and fearful anxiety I had been feeling for the last couple of days, gone. She had asked me to become aware of my breath, aware of my body, and to find and open a door within myself that led me to a Sanctuary that would renew and refresh me. She had reminded me too, of how much I have to be grateful for.

In a matter of minutes, about 60 of them, she had shared her Life and the Wisdom it has taught her.

I taught her how to say "accupuncture."

Thought it was over? So did I.

I got into my truck and a live version of Bob Marley playing "Get Up, Stand Up" came on the radio. By far the most incredible recording I have heard of him yet. He jammed on the words "Don't give up the fight!" and "We won't give up the fight!" until the metal cab of my Chevy was humming with the vibration. What a Spirit that one was.

Sailing down 580, over the top at this point, the next song to come on has been one of my radio-only car ride favorites. The chorus sings,
"You got a lot of money but you can't afford the free way-"
Now, I don't know what this meant in the mind of the lyricist who wrote it, but to me, in that moment, with my struggle with "not-having" in the last few days still fresh, it was strikingly clear. Having little, living as free-ly as possible, still has it's cost. But I am grateful to pay it.

Then, Tommy called to know what time to expect me and to ask about dinner plans. He asked, "Where are you?"

My answer made my heart leap as I burst into shameless laughter- "THE FREE WAY!"

Heart overflowing, I howled the whole way home.

Today.

I have had a recent burst of writing. I am writing with more authority in my voice than I have ever heard. And it is flowing so naturally.
Pretty incredible.
I might post some of it here, right now it still feels too fresh. Hot and steaming from the oven, not yet ready to be digested. I'm gonna let it cool and decide then.

Today I am feeling worn. Worn down, worn out. Severely dragging in the energy department. I need to be paying more attention to my body and give it some TLC. Healthy food, lots of water, and a hot epsom salt bath for me. Sigh.

Tonight I'm going to hear China Galland speak. She's a writer whose work I respect greatly. She wrote The Bond Between Women: A Journey to Fierce Compassion, which I had started on my own and finished during the course of the Women's Spirituality class I took last semester.
I am hoping, with all of my heart, that it is the Breath of Inspiration that I need. That I will be moved, even to tears, and my spirit will be lifted. I'm sure it will be amazing. Really, I'm just excited to be surrounded by some powerful, dynamic Women.

As the Season Begins...

At This Time
-Margot Henderson 2004

At this time we stand
upon the earth as winter trees.
We are called on to release.
To strip our branches
and to shed our leaves.
Till we are naked
bare unto the bone
naked yet rooted
in the soil of the soul
So we know
we do not stand alone
Seeing our leaves
suffused with light
their form can no longer hold.
See them turning
red, umber, ochre, copper, gold
Till we are left reaching
our bare branches to the sky
surrendering.
only then
can the emerging buds be seen
only then can we bring light
to our unfolding dream

Rise Over Run

Perfection is always
what it needs to be,
it reveals itself
by unfolding-
and you were never more
than everything
to me

beauty exists
in the moments time missed-

and all the others in between.

Slope.

On my good days, my heart is breaking open.
On the bad days, it's just breaking.

And Love.

Love is the most elusive Mystery of them All. It transcends and transforms and teaches me more than all else combined. Love is my Teacher. To Love, is to know what it feels like to be Alive.
Not only the pleasure, the butterflies, the thrill, but also the searing, the longing, the pain. The work. Love is so much work. But if we ask ourselves to learn, to grow, to pass through the Alchemist's fire, then Love's work will be the most transformative and healing journey of our entire lives.

Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I have found this to ring true in every area of my Life. When we ask ourselves to go deeper, to Love more, we inevitably do. And I'm not saying that it's not hard. It can be excruciating at times. But we do, and we will. It is what we are here to learn.

To learn to Love.

I will be Grateful for every person, place, and situation that I encounter, for every struggle, every hardship, every moment of pure bliss. I will be Grateful to them for what they are teaching me about Love.


"Mi corazon es una estrella, Soy hija de la tierra.
Se que todo es de todo, asique todo esta vivo en mi."
~a song from the ever-widening circle around the fire

Berkeley, Yesterday

You want to learn about people? I mean really learn?
My humble suggestion--go find a busy place/street, preferably a diverse one (as I write this I am on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA).
Find yourself a comfy spot and hop a squat/sit/crouch up against a building.
You have to be below eye level and you have to be alone.
People are amazing to watch.
Try to suspend all judgment, personal preference and prejudice, and sit back and enjoy the show.
For all you Writers out there- bring a pen/cil and something to write on.
Even if you don't consider yourself a Writer- bring it anyway. You may be surprised.



"The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu


"When I dare to be powerful--to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." -Audre Lorde

INTENTIONS.

Oregon
Washington
Seattle
Vashon
trees-Forest
silence
solitude
dumpster diving
street playing for tips
Wolves!
bike riding
splashing in puddles
random conversations
knowing no one
NEW every instant
campfires
YUBA
skinny-dipping
hiking
sunning
singing
listening
the River
camping
dig a shitter
stories
writing
learn to build a fire
cook outside
scrounge
scavenge
nap
Burning Man
Desert-detox
heal
howl
dance
trip
PLAY!
ponder
pure being
Oakland
save
visit
enjoy
get ready and...
GO!

Intentions

Wrote a list last night. Felt good. I read it outloud to a friend, and then again to myself this morning. Looks like a beautiful year-or-so ahead of me....wow.

This morning I am feeling a little worn-down and weary. I'm at the tail-end of my work week.
But, I have the next few days completely OFF! Which will be amazing!

When I get to this place, I have to remember not to think about things too much or over-analyze anything, but just to rest and recharge.

Think I'll post those Intentions later...

Unreal... and yet, It's Happening!

Watch this video and then send it to everyone you know! Just click on the declaration of Hope below....


Yes We Can!

The Sound of Hope.

As I write this, there is a glorious chorus of car horns, shouts, yells, hoots, and hollas outside on the street. My love and I are celebrating with Brut and unabashed grins. There are people walking down the street shouting, "Yes we can!" There are perfect strangers, with skin of all shades, united in their utter joy on the streets of Oakland tonight.
I can tell you one thing, I have never felt so safe walking alone at night in Oakland. Nobody's pissed off tonight. And if they are, they sure as hell don't live here.

I saw a couple on the street, met their eyes in passing, and we shared a look and a smile that said it all. No words necessary. While circling for a park spot, there was a group of young-ish black men walking down Jackson, spotting them and sensing their elation, I honked and they all burst into yells and we, in that moment, knew each other. Celebrated together. There is an overwhelming feeling of unity, of community, and of a knowing that Change Is Come.

I will not in any way diminish what Obama's victory means for the black community. In fact, I think we are gonna see some major transformation- in all of us, really. The whole country. People in their lifetimes, have seen this country from the Jim Crow laws through to this night. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was nearly sobbing.
What I will say, however, is that I think it is bigger than that. This is truly monumental. Not only for America, but for the whole world. My mom's sister called from Greece to congratulate us on electing Barack Obama, on behalf of the world. Seriously.

The single, most powerful effect of this election, is that record numbers of voters registered and voted, especially young people. And with Obama's win, people have a tangible proof that their voices matter and will be heard. That alone will revolutionize Democracy in America. Change Is Come.

Cheers. And Congratulations to us all. A new day is dawning in this country and in the world.
I can say, for what may be the first time in my entire life, that tonight, I am proud to be an American.

Here She Is...the beginnings.

First day with the camper shell...


Envisioning the possibilities...


The initial move-in...still in process of getting it just right.

Drying Out.

Well, with the latest downpour it was discovered, that despite our best efforts, my truck was not yet rain-ready. So today is being spent working to remedy that situation. Joe and I are applying all sort of "weather-proofing" tapes and glues and sealant. We shall see.

As for me, I have realized that I still have too much stuff. And when I say stuff, I mean mostly clothes. What can I say? I love clothes. They're like my palette. And dressing, an art form.
...Or maybe I'm just materialistic. I like to think it's a little of both, and I'm working on the latter!

Clothes are in the dryer, books are out by the heat of the floor vent, and inside, I am laughing. On Saturday, I was freaking out. I mean, truly, freaking the eff out. And now? It's just clothes, just books, and they are drying in preparation for test-run 2. No biggie. A little funny, actually.

And very fun. :)

Life is an adventure. Nothing is a set-back...only a change of course, a necessary re-working or re-thinking. An opportunity to hone resiliency and creativity and on-your-feet instincts and action.

I am learning. And hopefully those freak-out moments will happen less and less and I will meet each new challenge with confidence, faith, and the energy needed to move through it!

(More joy, less worry.)

Love to all-

Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh!

Gratitude.

I am grateful for the rain, for the cool of this morning, for the grey and misty Fall.
I am grateful for Providence, for my truck and all the many ways in which I have been provided for, taken care of.
I am grateful to have little, and need less.
I am grateful for friends, for Family- in all it's forms.
I am grateful for a Companion who loves me, who knows me, and still loves me. Who understands the passions of my heart and cherishes my Dreams. Who sets me free.
I am grateful for Life, how precious it is.
I am grateful for trees, and what they teach.
I am grateful for nature, for this beautiful earth-whose rhythms and cycles are moving all around me and within me, teaching me more than words can say.
I am grateful for all the trials, for they teach me too.
I am grateful for every step, every breath, leading me Home.

Gracias Abuela, Pachamama, Madre de Todos-
gracias por esta vida, por cada una, y por todo que me esenas.
Te adoro con todo mi corazon, con cada fibra de mi ser.

Isn't This Beautiful?

The Summer Day
-Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wins open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Here Goes.

rough night.

a really rough night.

one moment, i was reading in bed, and the next- crying. big ol' crocodile tears rolling down my face.

i've been feeling like i'm on shaky ground the last couple of days. shaky ground within myself, that is. I can go from being in such a good state, feeling strong and independent and accepting of myself...to this place of self-loathing, over-analyzation of everything, and general self ass-kicking.

there is a part of me that believes that i am annoying, irritating, and an obligation to others. for some reason this has been activated in the last couple of days and once that voice starts, it is persistent and downright nasty. and really hard to shut up.

i have so many memories of feeling that way as a child...tones of voice, gestures, and facial expressions. unfortunately, i learned it, absorbed it. and now am living it. though i try, i do try.

i don't really know what to say for myself today, other than that. I'm trying. Trying to love myself just as much as I can. Trying to believe in myself just as much as I can.
Trying to comfort, encourage, and heal.

Paz.

Solidaridad.

Fences. Walls. Burning eyes. Violence. Aggression. Greed. Blindness.

Eyes that burn with hatred are blind. The denial of the humanity of another person is the greatest crime any of us can commit. We are like the child in the sandbox, building a partition, to keep others from coming onto his side.
To build a Wall along a border is unfathomable.
What are we protecting? What are we scared of? The ideal of individualism is what has wounded our country at it's core. Me, mine. When the inescapable reality is We, ours. Creating borderlines that are uncrossable, is to confine the dreams, hopes, paths, and very lives of those on either side.
How can one look, truly look, into the eyes of another human being and not see the spark of divinity and humanity manifest there? How do we begin to truly see each other?

Solidarity.

I stand with the poor, the impoverished.
I stand with the dreamers, the protesters, the restless.
I beg with the homeless.
I hunger with the children and the parents who find no food to bring home.
I cry with the brokenhearted and weep with the wounded.
I suffer with those who suffer.
I hope with the hopeless.
I endure with the desperate.
I stand with those who fight to be heard, to be seen, to be known.
I stand with those who have not,
and speak unapologetically to those who have, and do not question.

I will no longer walk lightly and with fear or shame,
but with boldness and strength.
With conviction, empowered to change.

Because I believe that we can change anything.

This struggle is a beautiful one.
This fight will not be won with aggression and anger, righteous or otherwise. This struggle will be won with patience, humility, endurance, and unfathomable Hope.
Change will come as we live it, and create it.
Change will come as long as we stand, shout, cry, act, hope, and believe with all our might.
We can overcome.
We will overcome.

I know so many dreamers, believers. So many with smiles waiting to be shared, generosity extended, hands open and ready to give, hearts full of Love and hope and wonder.

We are not the minority, we are the majority, and all of us together will change the world.

It is happening.

Suspended.

I am waiting to open this blog to the public until I hit the road.
I hope to write here with unapologetic honesty.
For that reason, I think I'm going to disable the comments function. Not to ignore, but just to protect that which is growing and newly expressing itself.
If it offends, don't read it.
If you really care and want to know where I'm at and who I am becoming, then read on.
Paz,
Raquelita